Thankful for (You)

Conversations we had.

Your kindness. 

Your sweet smile.

When we dance ridiculously that Valentine's night.

When you appeared in the mourning house where Mama was laid down. That I was allowed to hold you for some time and you let me held your hand.

When you brought us pizzas cheerfully.

When you hold me close in my time of grief while I cried for Mama.

When you still try to put up with me even when things were hard for you too. 

When you let me spent the night with you.

The Theory of Uncertainty

The atoms, aren't the neatest 

therefore, nothing is stable.

How can we hold on 

When we know nothing

Especially when it comes to momentum.

Time

 Time is a beauty

but at the same (time)

 the terrifying beast.

I miss you too much, Mama.

I miss talking to you.

I miss listening to your stories. 

I miss looking at you.

I miss kissing your hair.

I miss sitting next to you.

40 Days

I miss you terribly, Mama.

 What is the right thing to do, Engeline?

I miss you Ma.

the weight of your smile

I never thought it would be too heavy for me to see younsmile. Now that you are not with us anymore. That same smile that used to lighten up my days.

I miss you Mama. All the time.
I miss you. It doesn't seem fair for me to breathe and move on without you.

I don't know how I'll be able to heal myself Ma. I met someone that I've grown attached to. A sweet kind person. A pure soul. You'll like this person Ma. If only you've known this person before you left.

Bandage

The bandage you've always need to put on to cover your  wound weren't needed anymore.
I think I might need it now. I just don't know where and how to put it onto.

I miss you all the time, Mama. You've appeared in everyone's dream. Why not mine?

My mind is a mess.
My heart has been hollowed since you left.

Sting of Death

Your passing has left me the greatest regret. I am sorry for every pain I caused you. I hope you know how much I love you Ma.

August

August is the month of Mama's last days. I wish I knew. Mama left us all without saying goodbye.

Beloved mother

I don't think I want to continue exist right now. Now that you are not here anymore, I just can't see my purpose.

I believe papa can survive without me.

August 18 2020
19:00
Rest in Peace Mama.
I love you so much.

Thick dark hair.
lengthy eye lashes.
Sharp deep eyes.
Peach full lips.

Warmest smile.
Sweetest voice.
Rosiest heart.
Brightest mind.

f(x)=x+12

If x=L, then
notes:
L stands for love, like, longing, laughter, and all the words started from L, relates me to L.

12(th) is the house where L's venus is.

----

Love=12
Like=10
Longing=8
Laughter=6

----

f={(12,24),(10,22),(8,20),(6,18)}


----

in musical notation G
f={(F#',F#''),(E',E"),(D',D"),(C',C")

Speak Softly

We read each others Astro news each time lately after works. But last night the energy felt different. I feel weakened. Maybe it's the sound of your voice. But the feeling didn't frighten me this time.

You told me about your day, that your morning didn't start well because you had your mood spoiled by your brother and how you put it back at ease by having it communicated to your mother. I feel warmed. I'm glad you told me about your day.

The Astro news just made me an open book in front of you. I am reading you myself out loud. It's funny how it felt good though. I think it's because it made you laugh and smile a bit too.

Today you look happier. And your voice felt lighter too. I wonder what made you so. But seeing you like that is enough. I'm glad you're alright.

bearable

You made hard things bearable.
Your tenderness, your calming voice.
And all the things you are.

I like you a lot.

I like you too much it scares me. But who wouldn't like you when they see you?
Your face, your kindness, your sweet voice.

You sang a lot

Yesterday you sang a lot. You seemed happy too. You sang along when Linger by the Cranberries played. It somehow made me want to say things to you. Maybe it's the weather too or was it the pitch of your voice and it went right with the lyric? I went crazy again and I'm trying hard not to say anything foolish. I wanted so much to tell you how I like your voice when you sing, it comforts me and excites me at the same time. But instead, I told you "I don't like Linger." You asked me why I don't like it, and of course, I have no reason why. I just wish I didn't make you feel too terrible.

Distant

You're a bit distant. This pattern occurred sometimes. I probably not the support you need. Or am I being too much of my self?

What do you need love? I wish I knew.

the face

The face of whom
I'm endlessly thinking about
is yours.

Your small sad eyes.
Your dimples when you smile.

When you were laughing.
When you were lost in your thoughts.

The origin of a rissoles and a mask.

Tuesday, August 11 2020

I've been asking you too many times for the rissoles and they're finally here.
Along with a half-black half-brown weaving pattern facial mask. And a small note with your all capitals handwriting saying "HOLA PAT, THIS AS AN ADDITION TO YOUR MASKS COLLECTION HOPE YOU LIKE IT."
I learned that they were supposed to be sent the day before. But it was postponed because there was a strand of a thread pulled off of its weaves. And you need to have it mended. You did it yourself.

And I'm thawed. All these things you did. They're all made me feel softened inside. To what did I owe the honours?

I must have done something right to deserves all these. Or could they were all possibly absolute kindness?

Today is a good day. I can't stop smiling.

Of a Smile

How can anyone smile the way you smiled? How can a smile like yours exist? How can I stand that very smile? How not to be swayed by it?

Dearest

You told me photography is not your thing anymore. But I caught a bit of sadness from you while you were saying it.

I wanted to comfort you a lot.

Trust

Trusting means surrendering. And if this is a fight, I don't mind to be the one who is losing. As long as you're the one who is winning.

To know my place.

You told me that you still aren't sure what would happen when you meet that person again. That you are afraid.

Perhaps I shouldn't stay around for too long. You probably need to just figure your feelings for that person.

Possibly, I am making things harder for that person by asking too much of your time.

And conceivably, I just need to remember that as much as I can, if it solely depends on me, to always try to choose what is fair for you.

lose control of my self

All the things I thought I will never be, just happen whenever I'm at your presence.

Meeting You #3

You wore a green blouse, grey trousers and your new Onitsuka's. Looking pretty.
I wonder since when you've been wearing liners in your beautiful eyes. I can't stop staring.

Your green blouse suits you. Can we have a picture? I'm dying to ask.

We had our lunch at Honu's. Today you treated me a drink, hot matcha with gingers and lemons. Best matcha I ever tasted.

I still can't stop staring. Your lips, eyes, voice,  gaze, and all the things you are driving me crazy.

We were heading to Poins Square for the RAMs replacement. We were in my car and our hands accidentally brushed. I'm stoked. I wanted so much to just grab your hand. Yet all I did was pulling my hand tightly.

We finally had your RAMs replaced. That's all I think to myself. I won't be able to see you again until March.

While taking you home, I learned you're no longer together with your lover. My heart thumps. I was happy to hear it I feel so bad. You told me how your relationship started. That you just saw that person as a friend since the beginning. That the relationship itself ended long ago. That you are afraid of how one day after you are going to have to meet that person. That perhaps you only have the courage not to be with that person because of this situation. That you feel so bad for being the one who wants the relationship to be ended.

I'm no longer wanting to leave your side.

I always thought that I"m going to have to leave you one day. Sooner or later. That you were after all with someone.

But now I can just stay with you longer can I?

I still wish we had more time. I wanted to tell you more things to comfort you when you told me about it. But we finally reached your house.

Bright

Your Moon is in the  constellation of the centaur. A creature with the half body of the horse, and a body of a human, pointing a sharp bright arrow. Your Sun and your rising are in the constellation of the bull.

And if perhaps you did not realize how they're all reflected in your very presence, I will be your witness. On how vigorous and glorious you are.

Meeting you #2

I saw you yesterday. We went for another scheduled laptop's RAM replacement. The RAM hasn't arrived at the shop yet. We came for nothing. But that means I'll have the chance to see you again. 

And heaven must have heard my deepest weariness.

I feel so bad for you, yet thankful 

for the impediment.

I was never a fan of setbacks but this one occasion.

We had lunch afterwards at this sushi place. I think I did the right thing by taking you there. Food was great. You've smiled a lot. I'm so glad.

The lunch is a wish and gratefulness. For you.

We took you home after. I'm glad you decide that you want to go home. Because it turns out that you weren't feeling very well. I wouldn't know. I wish you could be more comfortable with me someday.

Yesterday you look a bit different. maybe you look prettier. Maybe because I was so happy to see you again. Maybe because you smiled a lot. I wished to take our picture so much. But I couldn't find the right way to ask.

Obsessed.

But we just met.

I can't get enough of you.

Can I?

Can I just take you home?

Or are you home?

Questions

There are a lot of questions I wish to ask. But I think I've heard you once told me that I better not.

I wanted to tell you

Each time I hear you humming, I go crazy.
Or whenever I see you smile, I lose my breath.

Moments.

Sometimes there are moments I wished to steal from time-space and made them stilled.

The formula of the occurrence of the event I wished to stop, mostly had your variable in it.

I want to make it stop. But baby, it would mean our hearts and minds stopped too don't you think?

What's the point of keeping it still then?

Melting

There's this new kind of emotion I feel lately when I saw your face from pictures of you that I've kept. An affectionate kind of feeling that is different from the prior. This one stirred melting sensation. It made me want to smile along with this funny sensation that would cause me a teary-eyed at the same time sometimes.

Each time I saw you.
I'm completely warmed.

Meeting You

Today is the day when I finally met you again after months.
I picked you up around eleven.
You wear some kind of flannel blue-green shirt with jeans and a pair of sandals.
And just like magic you're inside my car.
And we had something from Honu for brunch. We had it take away and had them in the car after we arrived at Poins Square where we plan to have replacements for our laptops.
Hours I had hoped to stop. If I had only known how to.

On our way to take you home. A text from one of the participant on the WhatsApp group for my ITB's registration process came. The person said he done the new student registration activation process. I always thought the process would be started tomorrow. I almost missed it. You saved my ass by reminding me to check the date once more. You want me to make sure the date I had thought the starting date was not exactly the end date. And you were right. Today is the last day of the activation

I'm glad you're with me.
You just never cease to amaze me.

beautiful

Do you know how your smile
leaves me breathless?
That your spoken language thrills me.
And how you walk your path fascinates me?

Best Friend.

If there's anyone it's you.

The one I wish to hear from every single day.
The one I wish to talk to.
The one whom judgements I wished.
The one who holds her freedom.
The one I wish to protect.
The one I trust.

Wild

You are someone I wish to protect.

But not when I hear you sing.
Your voice when you're humming is Sirene's.
It turns Odysseus into something else.
It veers me into a beast.

You put me at ease when I hear you talking.

But not when you speak softly.
Your tender voice is a heart defacer.
Like a hunter when it sees its prey,
it makes me want to have you.

I forget for a while how I wish to keep you safe.

I miss your voice

Your sweet smile

It's only been a day.

Drawing You

Should I just draw you?
So I can transfer you from my memory.
And forget you like the others.

Reasons to be grateful today #1

Seeing you laugh a lot.
Being accepted in ITB's Master program on Design.
Night worship prayer with Mama and Papa.
A supper with you.

Mantra

Did you aware? Your existence is a mantra.
You put me at ease. And I don't think I can ever give back to you.
This peace I feel when I'm with you.

You're so young...
But all these you've given me. It's like you're not from this realm.
I don't think you will ever realize.

Unless you did from the start.
That you are to me, truth, love, and consciousness.
And I am the dependence.
By grace.

Marvels.

Maybe someday I'll let you know
That all my  heaviness somehow
lifted up when I'm with you.
All these particulars.
All these small and big things you did that sums what I called marvels whenever I'm with you.

The way you talk.
The way you see things.
How you stare.
How you smile.

Maybe I'll tell you one day.
And maybe by chance, you won't get frightened.

I must have lost it

I must have lost my mind again today.
We were working and you said you can only continue to work until nine tonight.
I was managed to hide my inquisitiveness until I heard you sang. My heart beats faster than the usual all of a sudden, and I just can't help myself not to ask what is your plan.

Traces

I've kept all our traces in a secret place. But it is no use. I keep showing its presence each time I see you. I can't stop smiling.

Sometimes seeing you felt like home. I couldn't hide things when I'm with you. I just keep wanting to let you know everything.

attached

What if I get used to your kindness
and couldn't ever let you go?

All these dangerous things you did.

When you bite your lips.
When you sing softly.
When you speak in whispers.

They release somekind of substances inside my brain they would drive me vigorously wild.

Small wins.

To have minutes of conversation with you each day is more than pleasure.

To be allowed to give you things that you fond of they were all my gains.

To see you laughing while we were talking is already a dose of comfort to me.

How can I ask for more?

Knocked-Out.

You knocked me out. You're not even trying.
What are you made of really? You just keep figured me out.

death

I am thinking about death again today. After another argument with Mama. As long as I am alive I will be the source of her fear, anger, her unhappiness. Sometimes I wish I've never been born.

If only I could choose to not tell the truth today. What is truth anyway. It's not so much worthy. There are too many truths. Too many realities. And we all are our own senses.

Forgive me Ma... I wish I could be wiser and be more tough to hold myself in.

worth it

Your smile is a small kite of childhood that appeared in a storybook.

It lasts in memory. Its warmth.

Dumbfounded shallowness

I will rather be dumbfoundedly shallow when it's possible.
As long as nobody gets hurt.
The thing is most of the time you'll likely hurt people by being shallow.

Then that was when I've found the timid side of me that just astounded me. Words a sword. You are the sole person I wish to protect. Yet sometimes we would say things just for the sake of saying. Or worst, we were too just trying to protect ourselves.

I only have eyes for you.

Hey beautiful,
I want to know
since when
have you grown so beautiful.
I want to know
everything about you.
I want to take care of you.
I want you.
A lot.

La vita è bella

Just a bit, just a bit more
And in time,
I shall forget all these pains,
all these sorrows and bitterness,
all these expectations
and maybe
you.

prayer #1

Help me so that I
wouldn't be overly weakened
in front of her.

crazy.

I wish I could feel fine when you said you are going to meet your friend. I know I should just be happy for you. But I guess my heart is just not that big enough. I should have been prepared that you are to meet your lover once a while. But I just went crazy each time.

Bitterness

I considered myself as dead ever since that day. And the damned days followed since it started. My being slowly murdered days. I have been a ghost since long.

But this past of mine. I should just keep to my self from now on and surrender. Maybe everything is going to be alright. What is there more left that can hurt the dead?

But my bitterness, as Rachel had in Ramah. No one shall comfort me. No one.

Clingy.

I am probably the one who is clingy.
I started to believe you are the only one whom I can actually talk to about my past and find relief.

looking at your picture comforts me. I wish I'm lying next to you right now.

These bad dreams occur again.  Someone is tailing and trying to kill me. But this time I killed him right when he was trying to attack me. Right after that, a message came telling me that it's not the end yet.

An argument with mama always paralysed me. Especially the one that includes my past. She would criticise how I am still living the past. My over-cautious, my suspicions, my arrogance. And it would sting me, her words.

How can I forget Ma? My past.

beautiful

I met the most beautiful person. That person made me wish we never met. That I wouldn't budge if we meet. I wouldn't care. Because it's so hard to say goodbye now I could die.

But I know I'll fall for you once we meet again.

Maybe, let us meet often all day long. So then you might get sick of me. Until you decide that you don't want to see me anymore.

gemes bgt.

Fate

If I have the ability to remove events in my time and thus own different present events, should I remove your variable from my timeline? So that right now I wouldn't be a burden to you.

You're shades of light whilst I am the darkness.
Your paths are straight and I am on this labyrinth.

I wonder why we met.

Intentions

I saw you yesterday at your place and was hoping you'll invite me in but you didn't. So I made it a quick one, thinking I'll still have my chance to see you on the internet and we did.

You texted me things that made me regret why I didn't ask you instead whether or not I could come in. But then it was already so late. It was almost 9 PM. Your parents probably won't be pleased to have someone visiting you at their place that late. And your text probably just an act of kindness. Because I brought you something nice too.

I met you on the internet. But then too, we were just working.

You repeat asking, was I ever have the intention to have a brief chat and If I did, was the reason I didn't because I was worried that another car would pass the road and that we would cause trouble.

You said I must have been because I was already at your place and you emphasized my effort to get there. And I said, "I should have come in then?", "We could have continued our work at your place, then?" I add. And you told me we could. "Why couldn't we," you said, "when other person did too."

I wonder why too. All I ever want right now is to be around you.

But the truth I didn't think I deserve to spend my time the way I want with you. Just because I give you things, doesn't mean I can burden your mind with all this wanting.

You belong to someone else. I should never take that person's place. Do you know how special you are? I keep wanting you even though I know I shouldn't.

But I hope you will understand someday all my only intentions. All I ever want is to fill your spaces inside with an understanding. I want to build you a space of comfort, place we could find knowledge and wisdom. One you could call home. That space won't be needing time to exist. It is built to protect you. You can lean on that space whenever.

Remembering

We talked about a lot of things related to our past. You let me know your childhood traumatic events. Things I've been wanting to ask since long.

We also talked about how we met. Such fun facts to know that our memory of how we first met are different. You weren't sure how we met. But I remember things, freakishly, when I did. Selectively.

That night when we first got introduced to each other. You thought it was in another place.  I know it's not possible because I remember the person who introduced us told me right in front of us the others been introduced previously. I also remember you came with your lover.

You said you saw me before, at your workplace. You said you saw me at your house too and I just smiled at you? Or was it the other way around?. I couldn't remember the latter.

I'm just happy you remember me.

conversing.

Talking to you is heaven on earth. How great it would be if we can just spend our time talking without having to work.

To know where your sorrows came from is more than any understanding I need to search.

To let you know where mine came from feels like a necessity.

Happiness

Because whenever I'm with you I forgot my pain. My persisting past. But dear, being used to have you near, I swear, I don't think I can handle the pain anymore now. Not without you. You seem to be the cause of the removed pain. I'm learning now how to have the confidence to love my self. To learn to be happy.

The fact that I need you so much bothers me.  I hate to burden you.

So if happiness meant forgetfulness, let me learn the art of it.

the most beautiful.

Your dimples when you laugh
Your gazes, your eyes
Your hair unbrushed falls naturally
Your soft sweet voice
Your sharp nose
Your lips
Your kindness.

speak low.

 You said, "I choose whom I want to be kind to."

Do you know how happy you made me feel?
But to what did I owe the honour? You're a diamond. So precious I'm not sure I deserved your act of kindness.

I sometimes think you know I've fallen for you. Your voice somehow sounds as if you know how to say things. And in what manner.

I go crazy when I hear you speak softly.

confession #2

It was that noon, we were working. Someone showed up and she was telling us something about someone else, who's outside the coffee shop we were at--not sure the what about anymore. I can't even remember now who the person was and the person she was talking about anymore.-- And you were trying to peek to where that person pointing at. You probably don't remember this, but as you were trying to have a look, you pushed your head towards my chest for a moment. And I recall I was thumped inside, and trying hard to hold my breath. Hoping you wouldn't hear how my heart beats so fast. And can't help but smell the scent from your hair. I was sure I would disappear into thin air.

The existence of dismay.

So you finally know now who I really am.
Should I be prepared to lose you? But you've been showing me nothing but kindness. Does this mean you actually not afraid of me?
I told you I wouldn't do anything to harm our relationship. But all these feeling towards you I'm not sure I can just stop it.
That I keep wanting to see you. I keep wanting to hear your voice. I keep thinking about you. I keep wanting to have you near. And that I'll go crazy when I don't.

Dopamine

The magician just did it again.
I just need to see you and be healed again.

On what authority you are to occupy this mind?
That my heart desires you?

If  I were I to taste your kindness
on what permission?

For if I had to wake up
and not to have you in my life
I better not exist.

truth

If the truth can change human behaviour in so many levels, then the human relationship shouldn't be so complicated. Sanhedrin wouldn't have to quarrels against each other or with the Roman Empire. People would have live in peace with each other.

But compassion stays relevant. Kindness speaks about understanding and therefore, messages accepted. It holds the capacity to transforms people. It even transcends humanity.

Gains.

Maybe this is just what's best.
To not write anything about you.
I thought by writing you down would help me to get you out of my system. When it's just useless.
I just keep thinking about you.

The thought that I inhibit your time when you must have wanted it to have been spent with someone else, made me small. To be such an intruder. But grant me just this one thing I need to write. Our conversation is what I treasured most. And hearing your thoughts and to be able to comfort you if I really was able to. They were all my gains.

Look at me being foolish even now. I just kept writing about you.

ecstasy

The most beautiful face
The most haunting eyes
The heaviest lips
They are yours

I'll spend my days thinking of you
But there are too many things told me not to

You are the end of me.

Parallel Universe

In so many probabilities,
we are probably lovers or sworn enemies.
That is probably why I am now like this.

Sworn enemies paid me more senses. Because it could be the reason why I am now holding these all kinds of affection towards you. I am paying back and make peace to all those wasted energies hating you.

But lovers? Shouldn't I be tired of you already by now? Or at least shouldn't all those feelings subside now? All those wanting? Why is that I still have all these feelings abundantly over you? Even in another universe?

Free.

From where I stand right now
my dreams are all memories.

It was all started from the very first time
where my innocence was taken away.
The first moment I learned
about the bitter truth.

I learned too how the wind felt
when I closed my eyes.
How it can still comfort me
even when no one can.

It was then when I learned,
how I long to be free.

a wish to dissapear (again)

Whatever feelings I have right now shouldn't be important. I don't think I should be like this.

Because you're too precious to me.

digging the past.

To some people whose dignity been abused,
all they want is to protect theirs.
To some, they don't think it is any more valuable.

The past, I had wished to forget,
will I ever?

There were so many tunes I had wished to forget too. So many traces I've had buried. Yet you with your innocent questions have asked me to remember. And I don't think I'm ready.

왜 나는 너 너무 좋아해요

너무 무서워.

Molecule of Iodine is lesser than Three Molecules of Uranium

Can we just see and talk to each other without having works to do? Over a movie on a couch maybe or dinner with ramen watashi no tomodachi?

Why am I so obsessed with you. Can I just stop thinking about you for a second?

O but seriously who looked the way you did when working? Why do you have to look so good even when you looked exhausted?

Molecule of Iodine(I) is lesser(<) than Three (3) Molecules of Uranium (U)--- too much I am about to go insane.

<3 about="" am="" go="" i="" insane.="" much.="" p="" to="" too="" u="">

私の友達

I wanna see us slowly.
I need to know why did we meet in this life.

What made me see you the way I did.
With what eyes?
How did you shine brighter than any diamond?

Why do I listen to you? Why did your voice echo sweetly in my mind

What makes you in the height of necessity to me right now.

Function.

You are my greatest distraction
but also the one who keeps me going.

You stop and stir me.

You are my self weakener
but also the one who heals me.

You are my Ares yet also my Athena.

You are my chaos
and my cosmos.

confession #1

When you caught that tiny toy attached to my backpack and made me smile somehow.

That night when you talked freely, probably because of the beers we had, and you told me a bit about your relationship with that person. That was the first time I'm trying to get a hold of myself not to do anything foolish. And then you asked why do I have to treat you so kind.

You stared sadly, and I was about to go crazy. I wanted so much to make you forget about your pain to the point that I almost kiss you.

losing my mind

If you knew how much I want you right now, I don't think you'll ever forgive me.

Your voice. Your face. Your lips. Your hands. Your scent. Your gaze.

This wanting of you it just keeps getting bigger every time I see you.

I wish I am ten years younger

Because I really feel like
I am such a kid right now.

Why do I like you so much?
Can't you just become fat or bald or something?
Why are you so beautiful?

I even forgot sometimes that you
belong to somebody.
And when I do remember,
jealousy gets the worst of me.
I hate knowing you are with someone else.
And this crush on you. Will it ever go away?

I must have done something right.

Because to have met you, is my gain.

The probability for us to meet possibly started long before. Until we've finally met and got each other introduced, but I don't think I actually saw you even then. Until I saw you.

It was on a different occurrence, after that. One afternoon when I smiled at you because both of our stranger's eyes met. And you just stood there, probably unsure of who I was. I waved you a hello to slay the awkwardness. And you waved back, still unsure.

Life is funny that way. Now my best nights are the ones I spent talking with you. You are a very dear friend. The one I wish to hear from. The one I can't imagine being without. The one I wish to protect. The one I trust. The one I go crazy about.

Antithesis ((-x)=(x))

"What if I turned into the antithesis." "Like what, a dork?" I asked you stupidly. "What am  I now, then?" You asked. "What are you implying to?" I asked back instead.

"If the antithesis of me is a dork, what am I now?"

Shouldn't you know by now already? The equation is pretty clear. But you are probably right. You are to me now, more than you should ever know.

And the antithesis, is just one of the many probababilities of functions you could become into.

Because you bright diamond, you are my cosmos.

happiness is

a conversation with you before I am off to bed.

Limbic System

There must have been a certain chemical that reacts in my brain whenever I see you. This biochemical heals. It didn't let me feel any pain.

But that's not the only event happened inside me. I can somehow feel you. Empathize comes twice to my usual response, since the first time we met. It scares me. Because sometimes there are not much I can do. I am not at my place to do anything for you. There should be reasons I need to find to even do the tiniest thing for you. And to even ask you a question. Any chance to do anything for you for me is a windfall.

This also could be one of the reasons on how I see you. You are the pink quartz, a bright diamond. You are a river, so calm but sometimes can be too deep and ruthless. You are a Tsunami. You swept me like I am nothing. You are a godsend. I am to be grateful each time, for every breath you take, the movement you made and your thoughts.

I could write a million things on you. The nerve tissues inside my brain record all things about you, sharply. Nothing I would not remember about you.

You are perpetual.

Penny for your thought?

What is it that has worried you?
Can I comfort you?
Can I put it at ease?
I'll do anything.

Because you, my bright diamond, you've given me so much, more than you know.

Debut

I was in mild fever yesterday with a sore throat. I've taken six tablets of 500mg vitamin c since morning, the same day and by the end of the day, I have consumed a total amount of 3000mg of it.

Around 08:00 PM I've decided to have my last intake of vitamin c to calm my fever down. It usually works 30 minutes after. I've turned for a  quick nap right after.

We've planned to work around 08:00 PM. I was so ready to cancel it, because of the fever. It was 8:16  PM when I read your texts and woke up in a breeze.

We've started to work around 8;30 PM the vitamin should have kicked in by then but it hasn't. So I asked your permission to make myself a cup of coffee. It was probably around 09:00 PM, A robusta arabica blend espresso,  it should contain around 100mg of caffeine, a 45mg plenty more doses compares to caffeine contained in Panadol Extra. Should be enough to settle the pain on my throat.

09:30 PM we've read each other's natal's chart. I'm starting to feel lighter. And like that, around 10:00 PM the fever has gone. No more sore throat. No pain left.

And as If I never had a fever the first place. We've worked for hours. I made you tired with all my unnecessary questions.

It was 03:16 AM, and you said, "This is our debut" and I asked "What  debut?" You answered, "Working until this early? This late?" I was feeling a bit shy, and thought why does it matter? But awkwardly  instead, with another robust, ineloquent phrases, "But we've done this?" I answered.

Albeit,  it has a lot of possibilities for answers from both my last answer and my unsaid question. You could also be being sarcastic? Did you? Did I make you work too much?

But understand this, I could not thank you enough.  I could not imagine my life, with you not in it right now. I can't help my self not seeing you.  You bright little diamond. You heal.

I hope your anxiety ceases. I hope you sleep better.

Old Tricks

Sometimes to distract yourself with one of the old tricks works. Most of the time, not. I've been watching some of terrible old kung fu movies to childhood anime Saint Seiya. And it almost works, until the two characters on the scene met and they're just exactly what I need to get me start from where I left off. Thinking of you.

Thank you, Netflix.

Yesterday's postponed notes-continued

The fact that I need you still left me in vast wonder. How can someone so young and look so innocent has the capacity to change one person's soul?

A postponed note on yesterday

I was so worried but then you managed to take care of yourself and went for a ten minutes powernap. How peculiar. How cute...

How can anyone be so strong and yet so tender all at once?

How can I just keep writing all these things about you? Apparently observing you has become a delightful thing to do. You are my cup of tea. Sometimes a cup of coffee.

Interesting how I trembled when you were about to ask about that specific event that has caused me a big deal of trauma. Until now I can't even write them down here. Interesting because somehow I feel like I need you to. I wanted you to ask, and not to ask, at the same time.

How would it affect our relationship after? Would you run? Will you see me oppositely after?
Opening up to you wouldn't it be careless? Or worst, a vanity? How can I put you in the very uncomfortable and awkward position?
I really don't wanna lose you. I need you too much.

Whenever I'm with You

There are too many words left unsaid.
Too many questions left untold.

Out of concern or maybe simply fear

the truth

Sometimes I would find myself on the edge of losing my control when talking to you.
All the words my heart wants to say to you.
Sometimes I just have to stop seeing you, otherwise, all these unbearable feelings would just swim out into words like,

I don't want you to leave.
I miss your smell.

Funny how you scared and made me at ease at the same time.

And you should never know. You should never. Because your heart belongs to another. And I shall not want what belongs to another person. That's just wrong. Karmically wrong.

Condescending.

Making one's self looks bigger by belittling others, is one's own fall.

happy birthday Din

You would probably think I've thanked you too many times that it loses its meaning, by now?

But still thank you for too many things. 💛

    

Is it?

Co-star says,
"It's ok to need each other."

...gniteem tsal ruo retfa deppots aimhtyhrra ym woh ynnuF

I hope you're feeling better. Be strong Ma. I love you so much.

In this secret place of mine

I pray for you to be well and for forgiveness.
My greediness is all to be settled. My days are numbered.

I  will once again listen, that sweet sound of your hymns. See the silhouette of your sweet smile. And feel the warmth of your skin.

Thanking the Universe.

What's more, left to ask?
When you have all things fall into place
In spite of all the damages, you've made.

vice-a-versa

Why is there nothing unattractive in you?
What am I going to do with you and all these feelings?

We are on the reverse side of each other.
Yet it's so easy to be in symmetry with you.

Can't I just stop liking you? You are obviously  with someone else. Where did I put my head?

Tsunami.

You're killing me with kindness.
And just when I think of leaving, you couldn't be more pretty.

Pretty, pretty please, with a cherry on top. Now you've made me beg instead. Don't leave...

Undo greed.

These crazy feelings over you, should I just stop?
The uncertainty gets the worst of me.
And the fact that you are with someone else belittled me. To interfere with whatever you have with someone. To even ask for your time.

Just get over all these affections towards you. Get on with reality. And just be as what we really are. That we are no one. Get a grip of myself. Make things right again. And be just fair.

Secret.

All these wanting of you
Have they're own pits
Each of them is safely hidden.

But still, I want to be near you.
Is it alright to still see you?
Or to just hear your thoughts?
But isn't it vanity?
Isn't it make use of power?

I obviously was not prepared for you.
You have the power to change the shape of a person's soul.
And sometimes there are just too much power,
to be too careless.

Tremendously, absolutely, crazy over...

"Let us begin by clearing up the old confusion between the man who loves learning and the man who loves reading, and point out the there is no connexion whatever between the two.

A learned man is a sedentary; concentrated solitary enthusiast, who searches through books to discover some particular grain of truth upon which he has set his heart. If the passion for reading conquers him, his gains dwindle and vanish between his fingers.

A reader, on the other hand, must check the desire for learning at the outset; if knowledge sticks to him well and good, but to go in pursuit of it, to read on a system, to become a specialist or an authority, is very apt to kill what it suits us to consider the more humane passion for pure and disinterested reading."

--Virginia Woolf, "On Fiction"

So which one are you? The avid reader or the steadfast, tremendous learner? How can we continue to chose what we love, without being overruled by it. Or is it surrendering to the process is the only answer? Do we really need to be always in control?

How can one be so obsessed over anything? Freud has acted as the curtain lifters on these neurosis, hysteria, mental state. (...)

Own your Self

To see you is to be grateful.
and our deep conversation is a warm blanket.

Your findings are what I treasure.
And your thoughts,
they are always what I favour most.

Breath.

Perhaps we need a bit of a break.
Perhaps I made you too tired.
Perhaps one day, I can just see you and talk to you
as a very good friend.
As just person to person.
Perhaps I just really, really, really miss you.

Like Icarus

I have been expecting things
I should not have.

Was it the sun betrayed Icarus
Or was it himself? His vanity.

What is it about the sun, Icarus?
Is it its rays? Or is it its warms?
It lurks in while you were on your isolation?

You should have known better.
It burns. Yet you have chosen to be burnt.

You should have known better.
The sun never belongs to you.

Best part of my day.

You are.

If only you knew, how grateful I am,
to live and witness you.

Spores

Astrology app based on Artificial Intelligence (AI) suggests me to try to communicate by releasing spores. One of the oldest ways in communicating, laterally, that gives rise to collective intelligence.

There are many ways to communicate, but we sometimes limit it to only the verbal.

We are creatures lives by communications in millions of language happening inside our single body twenty-four hours a day. The microorganisms in our body, hormones, cells, organs, they are communicating either for the continuity of their collective or our sole body existence.

But what has taken me into awe, was the communications that work laterally, actually happened to be the most effective and massively impactful, as it happens. For examples, of how the bacterial communicates inside our body to build colonies and infects it or assists it.

Back to the AI's suggestions to communicate with releasing spores, aren't we all most of the time without realizing releasing the "negative" spores? In our lateral experience, we are sometimes too releasing tensions over others. Our unstable emotion would sometimes ignore the needs of others for the fulfilment of ours. We even sadly, uncontrollably tend to dishearten others for the sake of vanity. We have taken the lateral's benefits for granted.

Our gestures, our gaze, our words, our minds, they are all sometimes at its full capacity to act on both sides. We could use our potential to heal or to hurt others. And by consequences under Newton's law, supposedly, those actions would all serve us back in the end.

Still.

Be stilled my heart.
A sea that soars, a thunder that roars.
Find rest my soul.
Know where your strength comes from.

Because I will still love.
Even when my words all messed up.
Even at my weakest point.
Even at my worst.

Beautiful One.

Graceful one,
  you are.
Gazing at the sun
  so bravely.
And never have I watched anyone
  own wisdom as yours.

One's Needs to Feel Safe and be in Control.

--Freud's perspectives

In the time of COVID-19.

When quarantine force you to find hidden talents.

Just realize I have written fifty-two posts in less than a year. Along with all the frenzies thanks to...

Done me a self hair-cut. And it's getting better each time.

Taking things up a notch.
Pardon my excitement.

Come here.

I'll be burned
As long as you want me to.
    Because you, beautiful one,
    cool my mind.

Education: Platonic Paideia

Platon has become aware of how the earliest education should be started from the education or cultivation of the sensibilities. Not of the education of the brain, through maths or other theoretical sciences, nor the physical education.

Because, if the most important part of a human being is its soul, then it would only right to start the education from it. The necessity to have clarity on the vision of the soul is inevitable, to become the very whole human being. Sensibilities would then be the compass.

Paideia means education, it commonly refers to civilization. Platonic view on education emphasizes the need to nurture the soul. The word soul that is associated with freedom, therefore, builds an education system that is based on the spirit of freedom.

The process of education, through Platon's view, needs to nurture freedom. Hence in the facts of one's privilege, one can still see the certain orientation of one's self.

One would be able to nurture one's self. One would be aware of one's privilege and to reflect on it. Without being able to reflect, one would be drawn in one's privilege. Lives in shallowness and at risk of being only an object, without consciousness.

Lastly, Paideia needs to be taken seriously, yet as close as Paidia (Paidia, means children's game), it needs to be given through playful acts. As Platon remarks on the insignificant of our action as a being,

"...to live out one's life as a puppet of the gods, is to devote one's life".

We are all, after all, inexorably, absolutely, exhaustedly, motivated by the iron chords of amusement and agony.



references:
Ward, Ann, Classical Rationalism and the Politics of Europe
Meyer, Susan sauvé, Legislation as a Tragedy
Wibowo, A. Setyo, Paideia

Paramount

I can just spend my days
thinking about you

I can just set my eyes
only for you

I can just listen to your words
and repeat the whole time

I would walk the only path
that leads to you

Translucent

You caught my sadness
I thought it was always there

You didn't do anything wrong
You just see me.

Albeit,
Since you came,
I wish to erase it
I wish to forget

I hope I didn't scare you.

When this is all over

I just wish to see you
and maybe if allowed to,
give you a very tight hug.

#kangenbanget

Let's not be zombies with our face in our screens again.

Best Both Worlds

Your eyes
are both tokens of pride
and magnanimity

Your gestures
they are timeless,
yet a factory of wonder

Your words
are sometimes cold
sometimes full of affection

Your thoughts
they're simple
but still worthy of keenness

Rose Quartz (I would Rather)

There's always this heaviness,
whenever our time is up.

I wish I could tell you more than thank you,
but will you listen?
And what's the use of words?

You're all full shine
Pure rose quartz that I long and seek after
And all these writings of you,
I would rather...

How can I not?

These Things I Wish I Could

There goes anxiousness.
And I know surely
somebody already taking care of you.
Somebody longs for you.

Yet, I still wish I could whisper to you,
  "You're feeling better?"
  "All right?"

Or maybe.
  "I miss you"
To end this gentle frenzy.

Can you hear?
Should I just plunge my head into the water?

Which is better?

To see you but not being able to do anything
Or to not see you and know nothing.

Things that need to be decided
Or things that need to be left alone

To be in this ceaseless thoughts
Or be as pure and simple as the gentle rain.

To worry
Or to not care

What Would I Give

You are...
  The smile and laughter
  The stream that purifies
  The heart changer

The pain and fever 

The steam that burns 

The mind clatterer

What would I give,
to see your delicate smile and
the movement of the light
when it touches your face.

To kiss your knees,
Pure gold that stands the ground
warm fragments of the sun.

Lucid

This yearning for you, flames
If I go to you at night
Along the path of dreams
Can you blame me?

Or hath you came to me, in a dream,
while I was sleeping? Set me on fire.
Had I known it was a dream,
I wouldn't have wakened.

We can set aside conformities
Make trip to the sun, and
taste the blaze
in our mouths

Moon

Will all these frenzies end?
These, that only you can settle.

Day are shorter with you in it
You own key to the relativity of time.

I kept all these a secret, not a word
You seem to close the door of language

I let the window open
Since you never use the door.

Make me drunk
Breath into me.

Of you.

The heaviness of your lips
Garnet made by hands of god

The gravity of your deepest gaze
First shed of light in the darkest sky

The magnetic pull of your gesture
Gems, crystalline, made to heal

Shaped heart.

Give me a strong heart.
A tireless kind heart.
A new shaped heart.
Teach me so I can understand
Of love that always gives
Like a stream that never ends.

Because you gave me nothing but kindness, and I was never left alone.

Loved.

Where can I run from you?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I ascend into heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in hells, you are there.
Let me take the wings of the morning, and if I settle on the furthest side of the sea, even there your hand will not fail to lead me, your right hand will hold me fast.

--Psalm 139:7-10 

In times like this, it can be hard to stay still. One tends to make a clouded judgment and worst part happens when action would be made based on it. The need to be in control. One often worry when clearly, being worry would not add a single hour to one's life. Some would speak out their anxious minds, along with their cognitive bias. And in the end, hurt others.

The need to remind my self that I am loved by far has been the biggest strength and base for me to do all I can in endeavouring to choose kindness above all.

Dream #5

There is this chaos in my head
Butterflies all over me
Molecules within me move unprecedented

Are you everywhere?
You do not seem to recognise time-space
You wreck my heart, yet keep its beating

Eyes

Your eyes are the most enthralling. It shaped like sadness and rapturous all at once.

Dream #4

I've walked around
To see just your shadow
And sat on the tallest tree
To catch your glimpse

Rain

The rainy season is passing
But tears keep falling from the sky
For there are too many eternal partings

Apple of One's Eye

To still be able to breath
Is already a reason to be grateful
And to be able to know you
Is fortune

To see you every once in a while
Is joy
To be able to listen to your thought
Is treasure-trove

Teach me.

Those who understand others are wise
Those who know themselves are in the light
Those who conquer others are powerful
Those who conquer themselves are mighty
Those who are content are wealthy
Those who take action have will

Dao De Jing (verse 33)--Lao Tzu

Teach me, my love,
how am I supposed to tell you?

If I tell you to leave me,
would not it sound heartless?
If I tell you not to leave,
would not it be an ill manner?
If I tell you to do whatever suits you,
would not it be a cold disagreement?
If I tell you to stay with me,
would not it be vanity?

Dream #3

Then I lead an ordinary
A joyful and warm
I'm walking the path of the sun
But my heart keeps itself remember
The sad scenery when you turned your back
As you walked by

Dream #2

Green moon on the highest mountain
As I walk my path to the peak so quietly
An owl sings so sorrowfully
As though it's telling me to return

Dream #1

Rumour has it said
I began to give my heart secretly
The day you had my heart shaked

Words have gone around
Like the breeze of the wind
That I've been offering my morning prayer
For you.

Like a river from the peak of a mountain
Yearn accumulates
It is now becoming a pond.

The Very Thought

Sometimes, these thoughts came up.

For me they were all good days, the day you were born, the day we met, the days we have spent talking to each other. They were all good days.

And that I'll be strong enough to wish you all the very best in life and hope that you won't be thinking or be worried about me. That you will forget me and all those moments we had.

Skinny Love

A smell of a perfume
Lingers dithers
Waiting in silence
Leaf in a dark night
On a happenstance
Has said its prayers
For a river to be brave

Pain

"Don't think you can frighten me by telling me that I am alone. France is alone, God is alone. And the loneliness of God is His strength"-- George Bernard Shaw

Have you been in pain? If you knew what pain really is, you will probably be brave enough to be alone. For people can be mean sometimes. Even the kindest and the fairest of all. Consequently, it is better to be alone than being in pain.

The real pain makes you forget everything. Even on how to breathe. The only thing you are aware of is pain itself. All you can think of is how to get away from it. When nothing helps, wouldn't death be the only door?

The thought that one who has been destructed can no longer be hurt is futile, nothing but empty words on clouds. Wouldn't one be more sensitive to pain? Our brain memorizes the whole processes that our body going through. Even when the illness ended, sometimes, the memory of the pain remains.

And to be addicted to pain is beyond the pain. It is a split-second feeling of joy that comes at the end of one's last strength, that one would soon be dead and to realize one is still alive right after. As to myself, the conception of jouissance found its relevance only by far. For one wouldn't be able to realize any amount of pain the body and mind can bear when it is already dead.

Saviour

Can you save yourself?
With all your songs
The happy and sappy?

Can you walk into the morning?
When all your heart is for the sunset.
The one that you always rush coming to.

I'll help you clear your paths
You will know me by name but not by heart.

After Foie Grass

You're telling me now to see only you.
Then of the power you have over me as an affirmation, you had it announced.

I've witnessed your lust. You didn't hold back. There was never a single doubt in you that I am yours.

As for me, I still need to question everything.

A Hunger

Tell me, you whom I love, was it you who drank my last pour of sanity?

From afar I've silently watched while you were bathing on the roof. And my heart desires the nights.

I've wrote lyrics of our tragedy in a piece of paper, but my heart beats again every time I see you.

How can there be death? For it is I.
It is I whose dream is to sleep on your lap. To hold your waist close to mine and drink water from your mouth.

Tell me, was it you, my lover? The one who spoke with me last night so comfortably as if I have known you way before. That you were recorded on my palm long before your mother bore you.

Was it you, my beloved? The one who drank my last drop of strength. Right before my fall, behind walls that I have built with our names.

Into Your Hand I Put My Trust.

Give strength to my soul
So I would not harm anyone
So that even in the hardest time, my eyes would not be so clouded.

Because my days were built on miracles
There was not a day goes by
I would not thank You.

Thank You

How can I not thank you for everything.

sooner--at the cost of our friendship

How can sincerity be a condition of friendship? A taste for truth at any cost is a passion which spares nothing--Albert Camus

I often wonder how am I going to react to the question you've finally asked. I just haven't prepared for it.

And it felt like as if I'm about to lose myself because at that moment, from the look on your face, or was it mine you were projecting? It seems like I'm about to lose you.

Best Part Of. (Verbs)

To see you
To walk with you
To talk with you
To learn new things about you.
To take you anywhere you want to.

Adjectives are from someplace else. They're are for someplace else.

sedative

To be a whacher is not a choice. There is nowhere to get away from it, no ledge to climb up to—like a swimmer...

-Whacher, Anne Carson

There's this sense whenever I saw this person. A certain calmness that makes me well slept.

Do you have a life partner?

It is always amusing how people should throw such a question to another person.
While to me, a partnership is a luxury I can't afford. I wonder how it comes easy for others.

Partnership took a lot of forms of commitment.

It can get very lonely sometimes here in this void. Sometimes I think that I'm probably condemned by somewhat of a karmic past life I did. But when think it over again and again, I don't think partnership is for me.

I don't think I can afford to see how the person I care about should ever experience what my past partners have had to cope with. How they have to deal with the societies apparently have destructed them.

At least, for now, I rather have the affable forms of friendship. 

One's Obsessiveness on Truth

Knowledge comes from doing
And to ponder is to be grateful.

Kierkegaard understood this well, as written in his diary:

"...they never have felt nostalgia for something mysterious, for something far-away, never sensed the deeply rewarding feeling in being nothing at all, in strolling out of town by the North Gate with 4 pennies in one's pocket and carrying a slender bamboo cane..." 

--July 14, 1837

But, how can one be so detached? Yet so thoughtful? Camus did this well.  We can see death as the main theme of The Stranger. Nevertheless, Camus didn't walk down the path when he wrote about death. At least he was not in his last seconds before his death.
He can only imagine. As he suggests his readers on one of his essays.

How to free one's self from preconception?
On a person's house of language, how can one be freed from language?

50 grams

A quarter of gaze (cup)
One-tenth the sense (pound)
And a one and three-quarters of hope (ounce)

I must have left my heart
some place else.

Art is a dangerous thing.

The once was a so burdensome atmosphere.

After a very long veer, you've finally shown up. Again.

Asked me out to watch a puppet theatre and a dinner before it.
We ended up having our second dinner after the show.

I've told you about my plans. Since you've eagerly told yours to me without being asked. Almost like asking me to be in it. In such short notice. In repetition.

You said you are planning to move to Bali--This island where I've always wanted to have my life. Island of my liveliest childhood memory--You told me I should move there too.

I've told you mine and you did not mind. Just seem oddly offended. 
I've told you about my plan. All of a sudden you told me I should have it in Bali.

Searched through the internet for graduate design programs, only to found out that there is none.
You could just ask me. I've done my research. But you never did. You are always in control.

You were so busy to keep going. I was busy worrying about you.

We talked sometimes freely
Sometimes with heavy hearts.
I was still captivated... You're a dear friend.
How can we're still awkwardly so drawn to each other?

Lonely Matter

This wall of matter has torn itself down.
Blackholes where the debris mutated into stars.
Debris of senses. Perhaps of thoughts.

It adores the light.
Absorbing without consent.
It can never be freed. For it was never captured.
It is its own maladies.

It doesn't really matter.
For the moment it is finally rising.
It is when it loses its self.
It is set to collapse.

Old Friend

Let's just be with each other.
Let's have coffee. Let's make plans.

Let's not try to control each other.
Let's just be more happy.

Self Love--02

In my pursuits of peace of mind, I've learned that it is already within me. I just need to reclaim it, to take one step back and change my perspective.

It is presumably one's perspective put weight to the sum of one's agitation.

I have put my heart at rest when I gave up control of what I understand. Since understanding comes from the perception, that comes from senses. And sometimes our senses failed us. Our sight faltered when faced with an optical illusion. We sometimes failed to recognize textures surrounds us.

I have failed to appreciate my self too many times. I self-sabotaged out of fears. I am often self-criticizing and self-blaming instantly.

Out of those ill qualities, self-destructing conducts I associate my self with, I am still hopeful that there are still good, acceptable qualities inside me.

I am endeavouring in healing my self. To at least make peace with the debilitating thoughts and to recall the decent qualities that already built inside me. For now.

Self Love--01

Some people were lucky enough to be taught by their caretakers how to love themselves in their early years. But to some, they were built to take responsibility for mistakes made by others. Even if it was simply too hard for them to cope with--those things they'd encountered probably nothing one could have imagined should happen to anyone--still what expected out of them was, how they should have known better. Or worst, act like nothing ever happened. The latter would instantly blame themselves should anything collapsed.

Some people love themselves too much, they're not capable to love others. They are fully self-absorbed they are blinded, they see only their needs, hence projecting it to others. They don't actually see the needs of others. They feel like they're doing it for others but the truth is they were only doing it for the importance of themselves. They are unfulfilled. They can never share their love with others. They are always in hunger.

Some people are wise enough to comfort others because countered with the unfulfilled they are living a fulfilled life. They know how to take care of themselves. They have love overflowing, ergo it is only natural to share it with others.

you scared me

I sure have a lot of things to be afraid of.
I sure have trained myself to think fast out of my instinct and be on guard should anything signify to harms me closing in. And fear is one of my trusted tools.

Sometimes to compromise with others, I used to share and open up to them a thing or two about me.

I would answer their questions with full awareness they are about to use it to judge me upon any circumstances. Thus, after I let a few things out, I would usually shut myself down.

You sure have too many questions, but what funny was, I sure have told you too many things by now.

I have so many questions to ask you. But I let it all slipped off too many times out of fear.

I missed you. I missed our long walk and our long conversations.

I wish we could stay longer, because...
I think I need you.

loose ends

Hello again. I missed you.
I keep your traces.

Looking at you still comforts me. Even from afar.
I'm savouring our times.

You are going to be great.
I have your back.

lose it all.

Tragically my sun is not in Libra.
Shut up and play your guitar.
Get over it.

North Node: 9° Cancer 08' 43"

In between Tropic of Cancer and Tropic of Capricorn,

I will build you a home. -01

I was born under north node Cancer, the mother. She who nurtures, cares and protects. 

Mother born under the sun sign Cancer. 

I would call her by her maiden name sometimes, Engeline, sometimes Mama. Her Cancerian quality can be very obvious. Often, it comes off overly destructive to herself.

I rather have myself talking to her than my father. I craved for her depth and understanding. Even when she barely understand the topic. Even when we hardly understand each other. Yet still, against my will, I feel like I am dragged to follow my father's footsteps. My dear old father. His bluntness his detach quality, a true Sagittarian.

My parents were not compatible by their sun signs. There's not a day goes by that they don't fight against each other. Just like almost ten percent of the population I sometimes can't stand them. But I guess that does not mean I couldn' t love them. There is thin line between love and hate after all. The latter is what pretty obvious in my parents' case. Always they seem like they are about to kill each other.

As a Cancerian, my Mama would seem like she exaggerates things. But the truth is just that everything is important to her. Too important. She'd go crazy and hurt when things went out of her control. I was born under the north node Cancer and supposedly as as a Virgo believed that I was a Libra until recently, pushing fourty to my living years, I am an empath by nature. I can feel her pain when things were to her a mere disappointment. Mama would damage herself again and again with her full loaded emotional baggage. Until things went the way she wanted. And sometimes things just didn't. 

My Mama is a very strong woman. She's in critical condition right now but still look so strong and brave. Ironically shes a Cancer living with cancer in her body. She's a true fighter my Engeline. I would do anything if I can be half the person she is now.

-P

Commited

Keeping only the essentials seems like the only option for now. The luxury of having anything emotional by option is unaffordable.

There are not much left to be talked about anymore to anyone because all I have right now are prayers.

I love you so much. Please be strong.

safe space.

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction."

Virginia Woolf--A Room of One's Own.

If this is the last thing the universe has to offer, then I should be so lucky.

lost for words

I wish I could comfort you.
Just comfort you.

But one needs to be whole to have the capacity to comfort others. And I really feel like I'm still far the half-person I need to be.

I wish I could just change myself to better. I wish I could undo being destructed. I wish I could undo all these words I've written and stopped this feeling. Whatever it is.

Pink River

Pink river, quietly boasting your hidden rapid flow from the blue mountains, a weight no creatures could stand.

Masquerade with endless calmness it could only sweep gravels in its stream. You flow right to where gravity takes.

It is hard to return when you’ve reached the blue sea. Full moon graces these secret hills: Won’t you rest a while?

Evanesce.

The universe has left some things to be unpredictable for at least now

By chance, our atoms have accidentally collide
Mine moves faster than yours, because...
It sure felt like parts of me been taken away

The wave of the tides has found itself decreases with distance
And I was always three shy away
While you o brave river you scared me to being vanished

I am bidding an early farewell
So that even if all we ever had between us became hesitated
By the flow of time, it would never be evanesced