Self Love--02

In my pursuits of peace of mind, I've learned that it is already within me. I just need to reclaim it, to take one step back and change my perspective.

It is presumably one's perspective put weight to the sum of one's agitation.

I have put my heart at rest when I gave up control of what I understand. Since understanding comes from the perception, that comes from senses. And sometimes our senses failed us. Our sight faltered when faced with an optical illusion. We sometimes failed to recognize textures surrounds us.

I have failed to appreciate my self too many times. I self-sabotaged out of fears. I am often self-criticizing and self-blaming instantly.

Out of those ill qualities, self-destructing conducts I associate my self with, I am still hopeful that there are still good, acceptable qualities inside me.

I am endeavouring in healing my self. To at least make peace with the debilitating thoughts and to recall the decent qualities that already built inside me. For now.

Self Love--01

Some people were lucky enough to be taught by their caretakers how to love themselves in their early years. But to some, they were built to take responsibility for mistakes made by others. Even if it was simply too hard for them to cope with--those things they'd encountered probably nothing one could have imagined should happen to anyone--still what expected out of them was, how they should have known better. Or worst, act like nothing ever happened. The latter would instantly blame themselves should anything collapsed.

Some people love themselves too much, they're not capable to love others. They are fully self-absorbed they are blinded, they see only their needs, hence projecting it to others. They don't actually see the needs of others. They feel like they're doing it for others but the truth is they were only doing it for the importance of themselves. They are unfulfilled. They can never share their love with others. They are always in hunger.

Some people are wise enough to comfort others because countered with the unfulfilled they are living a fulfilled life. They know how to take care of themselves. They have love overflowing, ergo it is only natural to share it with others.

you scared me

I sure have a lot of things to be afraid of.
I sure have trained myself to think fast out of my instinct and be on guard should anything signify to harms me closing in. And fear is one of my trusted tools.

Sometimes to compromise with others, I used to share and open up to them a thing or two about me.

I would answer their questions with full awareness they are about to use it to judge me upon any circumstances. Thus, after I let a few things out, I would usually shut myself down.

You sure have too many questions, but what funny was, I sure have told you too many things by now.

I have so many questions to ask you. But I let it all slipped off too many times out of fear.

I missed you. I missed our long walk and our long conversations.

I wish we could stay longer, because...
I think I need you.

loose ends

Hello again. I missed you.
I keep your traces.

Looking at you still comforts me. Even from afar.
I'm savouring our times.

You are going to be great.
I have your back.

lose it all.

Tragically my sun is not in Libra.
Shut up and play your guitar.
Get over it.

North Node: 9° Cancer 08' 43"

In between Tropic of Cancer and Tropic of Capricorn,

I will build you a home. -01

I was born under north node Cancer, the mother. She who nurtures, cares and protects. 

Mother born under the sun sign Cancer. 

I would call her by her maiden name sometimes, Engeline, sometimes Mama. Her Cancerian quality can be very obvious. Often, it comes off overly destructive to herself.

I rather have myself talking to her than my father. I craved for her depth and understanding. Even when she barely understand the topic. Even when we hardly understand each other. Yet still, against my will, I feel like I am dragged to follow my father's footsteps. My dear old father. His bluntness his detach quality, a true Sagittarian.

My parents were not compatible by their sun signs. There's not a day goes by that they don't fight against each other. Just like almost ten percent of the population I sometimes can't stand them. But I guess that does not mean I couldn' t love them. There is thin line between love and hate after all. The latter is what pretty obvious in my parents' case. Always they seem like they are about to kill each other.

As a Cancerian, my Mama would seem like she exaggerates things. But the truth is just that everything is important to her. Too important. She'd go crazy and hurt when things went out of her control. I was born under the north node Cancer and supposedly as as a Virgo believed that I was a Libra until recently, pushing fourty to my living years, I am an empath by nature. I can feel her pain when things were to her a mere disappointment. Mama would damage herself again and again with her full loaded emotional baggage. Until things went the way she wanted. And sometimes things just didn't. 

My Mama is a very strong woman. She's in critical condition right now but still look so strong and brave. Ironically shes a Cancer living with cancer in her body. She's a true fighter my Engeline. I would do anything if I can be half the person she is now.

-P

Commited

Keeping only the essentials seems like the only option for now. The luxury of having anything emotional by option is unaffordable.

There are not much left to be talked about anymore to anyone because all I have right now are prayers.

I love you so much. Please be strong.

safe space.

"A woman must have money and a room of her own if she is to write fiction."

Virginia Woolf--A Room of One's Own.

If this is the last thing the universe has to offer, then I should be so lucky.

lost for words

I wish I could comfort you.
Just comfort you.

But one needs to be whole to have the capacity to comfort others. And I really feel like I'm still far the half-person I need to be.

I wish I could just change myself to better. I wish I could undo being destructed. I wish I could undo all these words I've written and stopped this feeling. Whatever it is.

Pink River

Pink river, quietly boasting your hidden rapid flow from the blue mountains, a weight no creatures could stand.

Masquerade with endless calmness it could only sweep gravels in its stream. You flow right to where gravity takes.

It is hard to return when you’ve reached the blue sea. Full moon graces these secret hills: Won’t you rest a while?

Evanesce.

The universe has left some things to be unpredictable for at least now

By chance, our atoms have accidentally collide
Mine moves faster than yours, because...
It sure felt like parts of me been taken away

The wave of the tides has found itself decreases with distance
And I was always three shy away
While you o brave river you scared me to being vanished

I am bidding an early farewell
So that even if all we ever had between us became hesitated
By the flow of time, it would never be evanesced