The very thought of you

I was somewhat a stranger to myself until you.

Deras

Seandainya waktu di bentang ini cukup
untuk  mengungkap satu per satu
segala pikir dan rasa
yang susah payah kuredam.

Kadang mereka terlepas dari daya.
Jatuh berupa tetes-tetes laku yang tak terkendali liar. Namun kau seperti berani menampungnya. Entah untuk apa.

Mungkin sejak awal
aku takluk pada keberanian itu.
Ingin sekali berlama-lama
mengamati alirmu deras.
Yang kadang terlihat seperti tenang, kadang menghempas.

An Essay of a Memory: Pain

The pain of remembering 

Taught me to forget.

With the rain outside pouring

Will it wash away unnecessary thought?

The experience of pain has been a long discourse for centuries. Yet it still not a common understanding.

I was taught to forget since the early years. Forgetting is the only thing that has kept me going. Forgiving is another story.

And yet for some memories, I had wished to forget the most, they freakishly appear photographically. I on the other hand apparently, remember things clearly as if I was treading on crystalline ice. Looking at clear moving water underneath. I knew I could break the thin ice and crash into the cold water.

But as Lacan said, the search for pain then is the search for pleasure. For we mortals can only bear  a certain amount of pleasure, beyond its limit, the pleasure becomes pain. Bleeding symbolized pain. Death is the very end of the pain. Hence to still be able to feel the pain suggests that the subject is a living entity. When the mere being, found out the way to know it is alive is only by seeing itself bleeding,  It will need to destruct itself. 

The pain is actually the yearning stage. The exalted feeling of wanting something impossible in reality

To take into account regarding the others, the unattainable lost object, the object of desire, the lack.  

Finally, the paradox of pain. The pleasure, for once it was reached, it is no longer a joy. The lack, for once the object of desire is attained, it is then, no longer wanted.

Any forms of submission toward the hunter would mean the end of the chase. The end of pleasure. As I study my years of encountering an object of desires, the wanting has been vigorous. But it would then subsides as any attachment quality from the object shown. 

The conclusions in this sense are as soon as the yearning end, there will be no pain left. Thus the need to pursue any possible chance to experience pain from another object is inevitable. In my case, I possibly trying to make the pain stills by wanting something badly. 

As for some other pain related to my past, that I can't let go yet, the compulsion to experience them again and again possibly part of the instinct to go beyond pleasure. Death then possibly the drive of life itself. As final destination.

Geylang, Katong, Bras Basah, and Serangoon.

Those roads should lead me back to you.

And all those steps we took.

Your wondering eyes, your tired smile.

And the guilt in me, each time your kindness delivered.

I will take the very long passage for as much as it should.
Quietly, stubbornly.

So the sparks can be forgotten.

Strangers to Each Other

Keep saying it, and it will appear true.
That we are none.

Never a word.

Because you are to me right now
Who's matters most.

Hangat

Tak ingat pernah merasa sehangat ini.
Hujan yang begitu deras di hampir siang itu,
Entah mengapa malah menggiring ke masa lampau yang teduh.
Ketika fragmen-fragmen masa kecil hadir namun tak begitu jelas.

Aku ingin menjagamu.
Akan kuhapus hilir sampai ke hulumu.
Agar mungkin, perjalanan waktu kita, bisa sedikit lebih panjang.

Aggressiveness

Don't be too aggressive.
Because it's embarrassing.

Don't be overly controlling.
It's just another way of showing people that you're actually afraid.

Let go of your past. Let it out.

Semoga Bisa Tidur

Malam ini kita hapus semua yang pernah mengusik tidur.

Semoga besok bisa pulang. Tanpa berat hati.

Sampaikan salam pada dia.
Mungkin terima kasih.
Untuk hari-hari baik yang kau pinjamkan.

Seperti mimpi-mimpi pada lekuk waktu yang kusembunyikan. Biar hilang saat pagi kutemui.

soju

Aku teguk tetes terakhir.
Akhirnya kutemukan titik ekuilibrium untuk hapus haus akan larik.

Seandainya semua habis di hari ketika aku tak lagi mengenali wajahnya.
Kemudian mengerti, aku baik-baik saja.

Rasa bersalah hilang makna. Aku akan benar membuktikan telah sungguh mencitaimu pada anak cucu kita.
Dengan setia.

Atau, hidup dalam penyesalan di kenyataan kau tak lagi bersamaku.

Rasa yang terakhir mungkin akan membunuhku atau setidaknya, membuatku merasa kecil seumur hidup.

Kita pernah begitu muda, dan sungguh mencinta.
Tapi langit tak lagi sama. Dan aku sangat ingin menamatkan buku baru yang kutemukan ini. Tentang sungai yang tenang dan asteroid yang  tak bosan menatapnya dari kejauhan.

Random Shortness of Life

The fall of mankind possibly drawn by their fear of how actually their life could end in a split second.

E=MC2

The drop of tangled teardrops hangs stiffly in the air.
Time does not exist in this space.

I steal a glance of you looking at me and kept it save.
As if the last quanta of yours would be taken.
Although I have come to understand now, then it would be my last too.

In an alternate universe, time took shape in a circle. We won't have to loot anything from time. Or trying so hard to make it still. Our fate will repeat itself.
We would become constant. None of our amount would be taken away from us.

But here now there still so many things I need to take care of. And you still need to figure your own.

All the unspoken prayer between us it has its own pit and by grace my beautiful river, you will see how each of them would be heard.

We're Nothing but a Chance

Twas a fortune to have met you.

Low.

When our hearts beats in different rhythm
And the days are not so kind
Breath slow. It always helps
Speak low when you speak love...*

And all the many insignificant things we did shall be erased.
I will be forgotten, along with all my ill qualities.
You will be remembered, my calm river.

And the curtain descends.
Our swift daylights our long nights.

So maybe time will heal us again
The air will blow softly and the rain will once more
fall gently.

*after Don Pedro "Much Ado About Nothing"-William Shakespeare

Pity

An act of being hurt when shown in front of someone who has been destructed,
is an embarrassment

How can I

At where I am now the weather has been warm. And the rain falls gently.

Will you wait for me to come home once again?

I know I've traveled too far. But I still hold a place for you here somewhere deep inside.

Quanta

I still remember the sound of our silence
Our breath wrestling each other
Your fluid sweet as morning dew
with our minds beckoning to conquer.

Our tangled atoms our flushed skins
Your gentle brush leaving scars to my slippery lip
A gaze I have become familiar with
while we strip each other's soul naked.

Each of our quanta we left in the room
they are now lurking.
Tons of questions on how we are going to end this unbearable desires are taunting.

Yet now the glass is half empty. And I feel like filling it with absinthe from another muse.

Lost #2

I have written your name for thousands of time
yet it still haunting.

I have sent you letters since the day we met
yet I still need to tell you so many things.

I have drawn your face in papers
yet I still missed it.

I prayed for it all to last but honey you know better
I am nothing but a dreamer.

I wish you could let me go.
Because maybe it's the only way for me to find a way back home.

We Can Cheat Time. Can We?

Time travels in the speed of light.
But it will slow down relatively on different occasions.

If we are to move
at a certain velocity
time slows down.

If we are to  move away from a clock tower,
as we are inside a very fast train,
time appears as if it has stopped.

Hence the paradox occurs.

What if we are to keep moving?
Would we cheat time and keep each other company?

The light moves slower when it passes a transparent medium. Maybe we could clear things up and spare us some hope.

In the end, I wish you well and may the universe treat you kinder and softer, as you did to others and to me.

Placebo

Our minds trick us.

The pain matrix in our brains
sometimes keeps the memory it percepts from past long term torment experience.
Even when the injury healed.

You have always been there for me
when push comes to shove.
And I have forgotten for a while now,
what malady is.

If That's Not Love, Then I Don't Know What Is.

Love
How to measure?
How to gauge?

Should I whisper or should I be silent?

We shall not
Because men might do anything
And women might do nothing.

Despite the fear, I have walked towards you.
Yet, we must part before the sun tinged.

You Came Home to Me.

For that, I'll pay the price ardently.

Your face, your gaze
Your gait, your tilt
Glance, touch
Jest, gesture
Haul, smile.

Any elation caused
Will be denied.

1+1=1

My pyrrhic victory.
Yet I'll fight the same battle again.

Lightness

it comes easy for some people to be so light.

바다. 너를. 하늘.

 For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

--Newton's Third Law of Motion

Intention

What is the purpose of a question when we already know the answer?

What has left then but intention?