On Realizing

Yesterday, when I stood in front of my students, I realize something in the back of my mind, whilst explaining to them how our country and most of the countries of Southeast Asian region modernized without even experiencing the process of modernization. The awareness comes fast and lucid at that time, but it was soon forgotten too. Just like a dream. Until now, I have not been able to recall what it was.

Under One Sky

I am breathing as slowly as I could to hear you breathe. 

I blinded myself to see you in my memory. 

To be in silence and try to be aware only of our existence at this very moment under the same sky comforts me.

Bleed.

 I still bleed for you, Mama. My heart is still deeply wounded and I still miss you too much.

Bandung

I want you to remember how grateful I am for the trip we recently had and for all the effort you have endured. The short trip was worthwhile. The company you have provided was precious. The smile on your face always meant the world to me. I could not ask for more.

Family, loved ones, comes first.

I want to be better in protecting them. Just like Mama was.

Promise.

My heart is yours my river.

You can do whatever you want with it.

Even if it weakened, worn and decayed. The last piece of it will still attend to just one name.

17/05/2020

Truth

 "What possible reason, they ask, could there be for saying, “That which is not?”" --Guliver's Travels

I am at lost. 

Remember.

Remember her kindness.

Remember her reasons.

Remember her softness.

How she sees you.

How she has touched you.

How she has held you at peace.

Thankful for (You)

Conversations we had.

Your kindness. 

Your sweet smile.

When we dance ridiculously that Valentine's night.

When you appeared in the mourning house where Mama was laid down. That I was allowed to hold you for some time and you let me held your hand.

When you brought us pizzas cheerfully.

When you hold me close in my time of grief while I cried for Mama.

When you still try to put up with me even when things were hard for you too. 

When you let me spent the night with you.

The Theory of Uncertainty

The atoms, aren't the neatest 

therefore, nothing is stable.

How can we hold on 

When we know nothing

Especially when it comes to momentum.

Time

 Time is a beauty

but at the same (time)

 the terrifying beast.

I miss you too much, Mama.

I miss talking to you.

I miss listening to your stories. 

I miss looking at you.

I miss kissing your hair.

I miss sitting next to you.

40 Days

I miss you terribly, Mama.

 What is the right thing to do, Engeline?

I miss you Ma.

the weight of your smile

I never thought it would be too heavy for me to see younsmile. Now that you are not with us anymore. That same smile that used to lighten up my days.

I miss you Mama. All the time.
I miss you. It doesn't seem fair for me to breathe and move on without you.

I don't know how I'll be able to heal myself Ma. I met someone that I've grown attached to. A sweet kind person. A pure soul. You'll like this person Ma. If only you've known this person before you left.

Bandage

The bandage you've always need to put on to cover your  wound weren't needed anymore.
I think I might need it now. I just don't know where and how to put it onto.

I miss you all the time, Mama. You've appeared in everyone's dream. Why not mine?

My mind is a mess.
My heart has been hollowed since you left.

Sting of Death

Your passing has left me the greatest regret. I am sorry for every pain I caused you. I hope you know how much I love you Ma.

August

August is the month of Mama's last days. I wish I knew. Mama left us all without saying goodbye.

Beloved mother

I don't think I want to continue exist right now. Now that you are not here anymore, I just can't see my purpose.

I believe papa can survive without me.

August 18 2020
19:00
Rest in Peace Mama.
I love you so much.

Thick dark hair.
lengthy eye lashes.
Sharp deep eyes.
Peach full lips.

Warmest smile.
Sweetest voice.
Rosiest heart.
Brightest mind.

f(x)=x+12

If x=L, then
notes:
L stands for love, like, longing, laughter, and all the words started from L, relates me to L.

12(th) is the house where L's venus is.

----

Love=12
Like=10
Longing=8
Laughter=6

----

f={(12,24),(10,22),(8,20),(6,18)}


----

in musical notation G
f={(F#',F#''),(E',E"),(D',D"),(C',C")

Speak Softly

We read each others Astro news each time lately after works. But last night the energy felt different. I feel weakened. Maybe it's the sound of your voice. But the feeling didn't frighten me this time.

You told me about your day, that your morning didn't start well because you had your mood spoiled by your brother and how you put it back at ease by having it communicated to your mother. I feel warmed. I'm glad you told me about your day.

The Astro news just made me an open book in front of you. I am reading you myself out loud. It's funny how it felt good though. I think it's because it made you laugh and smile a bit too.

Today you look happier. And your voice felt lighter too. I wonder what made you so. But seeing you like that is enough. I'm glad you're alright.

bearable

You made hard things bearable.
Your tenderness, your calming voice.
And all the things you are.

I like you a lot.

I like you too much it scares me. But who wouldn't like you when they see you?
Your face, your kindness, your sweet voice.

You sang a lot

Yesterday you sang a lot. You seemed happy too. You sang along when Linger by the Cranberries played. It somehow made me want to say things to you. Maybe it's the weather too or was it the pitch of your voice and it went right with the lyric? I went crazy again and I'm trying hard not to say anything foolish. I wanted so much to tell you how I like your voice when you sing, it comforts me and excites me at the same time. But instead, I told you "I don't like Linger." You asked me why I don't like it, and of course, I have no reason why. I just wish I didn't make you feel too terrible.

Distant

You're a bit distant. This pattern occurred sometimes. I probably not the support you need. Or am I being too much of my self?

What do you need love? I wish I knew.

the face

The face of whom
I'm endlessly thinking about
is yours.

Your small sad eyes.
Your dimples when you smile.

When you were laughing.
When you were lost in your thoughts.

The origin of a rissoles and a mask.

Tuesday, August 11 2020

I've been asking you too many times for the rissoles and they're finally here.
Along with a half-black half-brown weaving pattern facial mask. And a small note with your all capitals handwriting saying "HOLA PAT, THIS AS AN ADDITION TO YOUR MASKS COLLECTION HOPE YOU LIKE IT."
I learned that they were supposed to be sent the day before. But it was postponed because there was a strand of a thread pulled off of its weaves. And you need to have it mended. You did it yourself.

And I'm thawed. All these things you did. They're all made me feel softened inside. To what did I owe the honours?

I must have done something right to deserves all these. Or could they were all possibly absolute kindness?

Today is a good day. I can't stop smiling.

Of a Smile

How can anyone smile the way you smiled? How can a smile like yours exist? How can I stand that very smile? How not to be swayed by it?

Dearest

You told me photography is not your thing anymore. But I caught a bit of sadness from you while you were saying it.

I wanted to comfort you a lot.

Trust

Trusting means surrendering. And if this is a fight, I don't mind to be the one who is losing. As long as you're the one who is winning.

To know my place.

You told me that you still aren't sure what would happen when you meet that person again. That you are afraid.

Perhaps I shouldn't stay around for too long. You probably need to just figure your feelings for that person.

Possibly, I am making things harder for that person by asking too much of your time.

And conceivably, I just need to remember that as much as I can, if it solely depends on me, to always try to choose what is fair for you.

lose control of my self

All the things I thought I will never be, just happen whenever I'm at your presence.

Meeting You #3

You wore a green blouse, grey trousers and your new Onitsuka's. Looking pretty.
I wonder since when you've been wearing liners in your beautiful eyes. I can't stop staring.

Your green blouse suits you. Can we have a picture? I'm dying to ask.

We had our lunch at Honu's. Today you treated me a drink, hot matcha with gingers and lemons. Best matcha I ever tasted.

I still can't stop staring. Your lips, eyes, voice,  gaze, and all the things you are driving me crazy.

We were heading to Poins Square for the RAMs replacement. We were in my car and our hands accidentally brushed. I'm stoked. I wanted so much to just grab your hand. Yet all I did was pulling my hand tightly.

We finally had your RAMs replaced. That's all I think to myself. I won't be able to see you again until March.

While taking you home, I learned you're no longer together with your lover. My heart thumps. I was happy to hear it I feel so bad. You told me how your relationship started. That you just saw that person as a friend since the beginning. That the relationship itself ended long ago. That you are afraid of how one day after you are going to have to meet that person. That perhaps you only have the courage not to be with that person because of this situation. That you feel so bad for being the one who wants the relationship to be ended.

I'm no longer wanting to leave your side.

I always thought that I"m going to have to leave you one day. Sooner or later. That you were after all with someone.

But now I can just stay with you longer can I?

I still wish we had more time. I wanted to tell you more things to comfort you when you told me about it. But we finally reached your house.

Bright

Your Moon is in the  constellation of the centaur. A creature with the half body of the horse, and a body of a human, pointing a sharp bright arrow. Your Sun and your rising are in the constellation of the bull.

And if perhaps you did not realize how they're all reflected in your very presence, I will be your witness. On how vigorous and glorious you are.

Meeting you #2

I saw you yesterday. We went for another scheduled laptop's RAM replacement. The RAM hasn't arrived at the shop yet. We came for nothing. But that means I'll have the chance to see you again. 

And heaven must have heard my deepest weariness.

I feel so bad for you, yet thankful 

for the impediment.

I was never a fan of setbacks but this one occasion.

We had lunch afterwards at this sushi place. I think I did the right thing by taking you there. Food was great. You've smiled a lot. I'm so glad.

The lunch is a wish and gratefulness. For you.

We took you home after. I'm glad you decide that you want to go home. Because it turns out that you weren't feeling very well. I wouldn't know. I wish you could be more comfortable with me someday.

Yesterday you look a bit different. maybe you look prettier. Maybe because I was so happy to see you again. Maybe because you smiled a lot. I wished to take our picture so much. But I couldn't find the right way to ask.

Obsessed.

But we just met.

I can't get enough of you.

Can I?

Can I just take you home?

Or are you home?

Questions

There are a lot of questions I wish to ask. But I think I've heard you once told me that I better not.

I wanted to tell you

Each time I hear you humming, I go crazy.
Or whenever I see you smile, I lose my breath.

Moments.

Sometimes there are moments I wished to steal from time-space and made them stilled.

The formula of the occurrence of the event I wished to stop, mostly had your variable in it.

I want to make it stop. But baby, it would mean our hearts and minds stopped too don't you think?

What's the point of keeping it still then?

Melting

There's this new kind of emotion I feel lately when I saw your face from pictures of you that I've kept. An affectionate kind of feeling that is different from the prior. This one stirred melting sensation. It made me want to smile along with this funny sensation that would cause me a teary-eyed at the same time sometimes.

Each time I saw you.
I'm completely warmed.

Meeting You

Today is the day when I finally met you again after months.
I picked you up around eleven.
You wear some kind of flannel blue-green shirt with jeans and a pair of sandals.
And just like magic you're inside my car.
And we had something from Honu for brunch. We had it take away and had them in the car after we arrived at Poins Square where we plan to have replacements for our laptops.
Hours I had hoped to stop. If I had only known how to.

On our way to take you home. A text from one of the participant on the WhatsApp group for my ITB's registration process came. The person said he done the new student registration activation process. I always thought the process would be started tomorrow. I almost missed it. You saved my ass by reminding me to check the date once more. You want me to make sure the date I had thought the starting date was not exactly the end date. And you were right. Today is the last day of the activation

I'm glad you're with me.
You just never cease to amaze me.

beautiful

Do you know how your smile
leaves me breathless?
That your spoken language thrills me.
And how you walk your path fascinates me?

Best Friend.

If there's anyone it's you.

The one I wish to hear from every single day.
The one I wish to talk to.
The one whom judgements I wished.
The one who holds her freedom.
The one I wish to protect.
The one I trust.

Wild

You are someone I wish to protect.

But not when I hear you sing.
Your voice when you're humming is Sirene's.
It turns Odysseus into something else.
It veers me into a beast.

You put me at ease when I hear you talking.

But not when you speak softly.
Your tender voice is a heart defacer.
Like a hunter when it sees its prey,
it makes me want to have you.

I forget for a while how I wish to keep you safe.

I miss your voice

Your sweet smile

It's only been a day.

Drawing You

Should I just draw you?
So I can transfer you from my memory.
And forget you like the others.

Reasons to be grateful today #1

Seeing you laugh a lot.
Being accepted in ITB's Master program on Design.
Night worship prayer with Mama and Papa.
A supper with you.

Mantra

Did you aware? Your existence is a mantra.
You put me at ease. And I don't think I can ever give back to you.
This peace I feel when I'm with you.

You're so young...
But all these you've given me. It's like you're not from this realm.
I don't think you will ever realize.

Unless you did from the start.
That you are to me, truth, love, and consciousness.
And I am the dependence.
By grace.

Marvels.

Maybe someday I'll let you know
That all my  heaviness somehow
lifted up when I'm with you.
All these particulars.
All these small and big things you did that sums what I called marvels whenever I'm with you.

The way you talk.
The way you see things.
How you stare.
How you smile.

Maybe I'll tell you one day.
And maybe by chance, you won't get frightened.

I must have lost it

I must have lost my mind again today.
We were working and you said you can only continue to work until nine tonight.
I was managed to hide my inquisitiveness until I heard you sang. My heart beats faster than the usual all of a sudden, and I just can't help myself not to ask what is your plan.

Traces

I've kept all our traces in a secret place. But it is no use. I keep showing its presence each time I see you. I can't stop smiling.

Sometimes seeing you felt like home. I couldn't hide things when I'm with you. I just keep wanting to let you know everything.

attached

What if I get used to your kindness
and couldn't ever let you go?

All these dangerous things you did.

When you bite your lips.
When you sing softly.
When you speak in whispers.

They release somekind of substances inside my brain they would drive me vigorously wild.

Small wins.

To have minutes of conversation with you each day is more than pleasure.

To be allowed to give you things that you fond of they were all my gains.

To see you laughing while we were talking is already a dose of comfort to me.

How can I ask for more?

Knocked-Out.

You knocked me out. You're not even trying.
What are you made of really? You just keep figured me out.

death

I am thinking about death again today. After another argument with Mama. As long as I am alive I will be the source of her fear, anger, her unhappiness. Sometimes I wish I've never been born.

If only I could choose to not tell the truth today. What is truth anyway. It's not so much worthy. There are too many truths. Too many realities. And we all are our own senses.

Forgive me Ma... I wish I could be wiser and be more tough to hold myself in.

worth it

Your smile is a small kite of childhood that appeared in a storybook.

It lasts in memory. Its warmth.

Dumbfounded shallowness

I will rather be dumbfoundedly shallow when it's possible.
As long as nobody gets hurt.
The thing is most of the time you'll likely hurt people by being shallow.

Then that was when I've found the timid side of me that just astounded me. Words a sword. You are the sole person I wish to protect. Yet sometimes we would say things just for the sake of saying. Or worst, we were too just trying to protect ourselves.

I only have eyes for you.

Hey beautiful,
I want to know
since when
have you grown so beautiful.
I want to know
everything about you.
I want to take care of you.
I want you.
A lot.

La vita è bella

Just a bit, just a bit more
And in time,
I shall forget all these pains,
all these sorrows and bitterness,
all these expectations
and maybe
you.

prayer #1

Help me so that I
wouldn't be overly weakened
in front of her.

crazy.

I wish I could feel fine when you said you are going to meet your friend. I know I should just be happy for you. But I guess my heart is just not that big enough. I should have been prepared that you are to meet your lover once a while. But I just went crazy each time.

Bitterness

I considered myself as dead ever since that day. And the damned days followed since it started. My being slowly murdered days. I have been a ghost since long.

But this past of mine. I should just keep to my self from now on and surrender. Maybe everything is going to be alright. What is there more left that can hurt the dead?

But my bitterness, as Rachel had in Ramah. No one shall comfort me. No one.

Clingy.

I am probably the one who is clingy.
I started to believe you are the only one whom I can actually talk to about my past and find relief.

looking at your picture comforts me. I wish I'm lying next to you right now.

These bad dreams occur again.  Someone is tailing and trying to kill me. But this time I killed him right when he was trying to attack me. Right after that, a message came telling me that it's not the end yet.

An argument with mama always paralysed me. Especially the one that includes my past. She would criticise how I am still living the past. My over-cautious, my suspicions, my arrogance. And it would sting me, her words.

How can I forget Ma? My past.

beautiful

I met the most beautiful person. That person made me wish we never met. That I wouldn't budge if we meet. I wouldn't care. Because it's so hard to say goodbye now I could die.

But I know I'll fall for you once we meet again.

Maybe, let us meet often all day long. So then you might get sick of me. Until you decide that you don't want to see me anymore.

gemes bgt.

Fate

If I have the ability to remove events in my time and thus own different present events, should I remove your variable from my timeline? So that right now I wouldn't be a burden to you.

You're shades of light whilst I am the darkness.
Your paths are straight and I am on this labyrinth.

I wonder why we met.

Intentions

I saw you yesterday at your place and was hoping you'll invite me in but you didn't. So I made it a quick one, thinking I'll still have my chance to see you on the internet and we did.

You texted me things that made me regret why I didn't ask you instead whether or not I could come in. But then it was already so late. It was almost 9 PM. Your parents probably won't be pleased to have someone visiting you at their place that late. And your text probably just an act of kindness. Because I brought you something nice too.

I met you on the internet. But then too, we were just working.

You repeat asking, was I ever have the intention to have a brief chat and If I did, was the reason I didn't because I was worried that another car would pass the road and that we would cause trouble.

You said I must have been because I was already at your place and you emphasized my effort to get there. And I said, "I should have come in then?", "We could have continued our work at your place, then?" I add. And you told me we could. "Why couldn't we," you said, "when other person did too."

I wonder why too. All I ever want right now is to be around you.

But the truth I didn't think I deserve to spend my time the way I want with you. Just because I give you things, doesn't mean I can burden your mind with all this wanting.

You belong to someone else. I should never take that person's place. Do you know how special you are? I keep wanting you even though I know I shouldn't.

But I hope you will understand someday all my only intentions. All I ever want is to fill your spaces inside with an understanding. I want to build you a space of comfort, place we could find knowledge and wisdom. One you could call home. That space won't be needing time to exist. It is built to protect you. You can lean on that space whenever.

Remembering

We talked about a lot of things related to our past. You let me know your childhood traumatic events. Things I've been wanting to ask since long.

We also talked about how we met. Such fun facts to know that our memory of how we first met are different. You weren't sure how we met. But I remember things, freakishly, when I did. Selectively.

That night when we first got introduced to each other. You thought it was in another place.  I know it's not possible because I remember the person who introduced us told me right in front of us the others been introduced previously. I also remember you came with your lover.

You said you saw me before, at your workplace. You said you saw me at your house too and I just smiled at you? Or was it the other way around?. I couldn't remember the latter.

I'm just happy you remember me.

conversing.

Talking to you is heaven on earth. How great it would be if we can just spend our time talking without having to work.

To know where your sorrows came from is more than any understanding I need to search.

To let you know where mine came from feels like a necessity.

Happiness

Because whenever I'm with you I forgot my pain. My persisting past. But dear, being used to have you near, I swear, I don't think I can handle the pain anymore now. Not without you. You seem to be the cause of the removed pain. I'm learning now how to have the confidence to love my self. To learn to be happy.

The fact that I need you so much bothers me.  I hate to burden you.

So if happiness meant forgetfulness, let me learn the art of it.

the most beautiful.

Your dimples when you laugh
Your gazes, your eyes
Your hair unbrushed falls naturally
Your soft sweet voice
Your sharp nose
Your lips
Your kindness.

speak low.

 You said, "I choose whom I want to be kind to."

Do you know how happy you made me feel?
But to what did I owe the honour? You're a diamond. So precious I'm not sure I deserved your act of kindness.

I sometimes think you know I've fallen for you. Your voice somehow sounds as if you know how to say things. And in what manner.

I go crazy when I hear you speak softly.

confession #2

It was that noon, we were working. Someone showed up and she was telling us something about someone else, who's outside the coffee shop we were at--not sure the what about anymore. I can't even remember now who the person was and the person she was talking about anymore.-- And you were trying to peek to where that person pointing at. You probably don't remember this, but as you were trying to have a look, you pushed your head towards my chest for a moment. And I recall I was thumped inside, and trying hard to hold my breath. Hoping you wouldn't hear how my heart beats so fast. And can't help but smell the scent from your hair. I was sure I would disappear into thin air.

The existence of dismay.

So you finally know now who I really am.
Should I be prepared to lose you? But you've been showing me nothing but kindness. Does this mean you actually not afraid of me?
I told you I wouldn't do anything to harm our relationship. But all these feeling towards you I'm not sure I can just stop it.
That I keep wanting to see you. I keep wanting to hear your voice. I keep thinking about you. I keep wanting to have you near. And that I'll go crazy when I don't.

Dopamine

The magician just did it again.
I just need to see you and be healed again.

On what authority you are to occupy this mind?
That my heart desires you?

If  I were I to taste your kindness
on what permission?

For if I had to wake up
and not to have you in my life
I better not exist.

truth

If the truth can change human behaviour in so many levels, then the human relationship shouldn't be so complicated. Sanhedrin wouldn't have to quarrels against each other or with the Roman Empire. People would have live in peace with each other.

But compassion stays relevant. Kindness speaks about understanding and therefore, messages accepted. It holds the capacity to transforms people. It even transcends humanity.

Gains.

Maybe this is just what's best.
To not write anything about you.
I thought by writing you down would help me to get you out of my system. When it's just useless.
I just keep thinking about you.

The thought that I inhibit your time when you must have wanted it to have been spent with someone else, made me small. To be such an intruder. But grant me just this one thing I need to write. Our conversation is what I treasured most. And hearing your thoughts and to be able to comfort you if I really was able to. They were all my gains.

Look at me being foolish even now. I just kept writing about you.

ecstasy

The most beautiful face
The most haunting eyes
The heaviest lips
They are yours

I'll spend my days thinking of you
But there are too many things told me not to

You are the end of me.

Parallel Universe

In so many probabilities,
we are probably lovers or sworn enemies.
That is probably why I am now like this.

Sworn enemies paid me more senses. Because it could be the reason why I am now holding these all kinds of affection towards you. I am paying back and make peace to all those wasted energies hating you.

But lovers? Shouldn't I be tired of you already by now? Or at least shouldn't all those feelings subside now? All those wanting? Why is that I still have all these feelings abundantly over you? Even in another universe?

Free.

From where I stand right now
my dreams are all memories.

It was all started from the very first time
where my innocence was taken away.
The first moment I learned
about the bitter truth.

I learned too how the wind felt
when I closed my eyes.
How it can still comfort me
even when no one can.

It was then when I learned,
how I long to be free.

a wish to dissapear (again)

Whatever feelings I have right now shouldn't be important. I don't think I should be like this.

Because you're too precious to me.

digging the past.

To some people whose dignity been abused,
all they want is to protect theirs.
To some, they don't think it is any more valuable.

The past, I had wished to forget,
will I ever?

There were so many tunes I had wished to forget too. So many traces I've had buried. Yet you with your innocent questions have asked me to remember. And I don't think I'm ready.

왜 나는 너 너무 좋아해요

너무 무서워.

Molecule of Iodine is lesser than Three Molecules of Uranium

Can we just see and talk to each other without having works to do? Over a movie on a couch maybe or dinner with ramen watashi no tomodachi?

Why am I so obsessed with you. Can I just stop thinking about you for a second?

O but seriously who looked the way you did when working? Why do you have to look so good even when you looked exhausted?

Molecule of Iodine(I) is lesser(<) than Three (3) Molecules of Uranium (U)--- too much I am about to go insane.

<3 about="" am="" go="" i="" insane.="" much.="" p="" to="" too="" u="">

私の友達

I wanna see us slowly.
I need to know why did we meet in this life.

What made me see you the way I did.
With what eyes?
How did you shine brighter than any diamond?

Why do I listen to you? Why did your voice echo sweetly in my mind

What makes you in the height of necessity to me right now.

Function.

You are my greatest distraction
but also the one who keeps me going.

You stop and stir me.

You are my self weakener
but also the one who heals me.

You are my Ares yet also my Athena.

You are my chaos
and my cosmos.

confession #1

When you caught that tiny toy attached to my backpack and made me smile somehow.

That night when you talked freely, probably because of the beers we had, and you told me a bit about your relationship with that person. That was the first time I'm trying to get a hold of myself not to do anything foolish. And then you asked why do I have to treat you so kind.

You stared sadly, and I was about to go crazy. I wanted so much to make you forget about your pain to the point that I almost kiss you.

losing my mind

If you knew how much I want you right now, I don't think you'll ever forgive me.

Your voice. Your face. Your lips. Your hands. Your scent. Your gaze.

This wanting of you it just keeps getting bigger every time I see you.

I wish I am ten years younger

Because I really feel like
I am such a kid right now.

Why do I like you so much?
Can't you just become fat or bald or something?
Why are you so beautiful?

I even forgot sometimes that you
belong to somebody.
And when I do remember,
jealousy gets the worst of me.
I hate knowing you are with someone else.
And this crush on you. Will it ever go away?