My mind is a mess.
My heart has been hollowed since you left.
29.8.20
Sting of Death
Your passing has left me the greatest regret. I am sorry for every pain I caused you. I hope you know how much I love you Ma.
August
August is the month of Mama's last days. I wish I knew. Mama left us all without saying goodbye.
24.8.20
Beloved mother
I don't think I want to continue exist right now. Now that you are not here anymore, I just can't see my purpose.
I believe papa can survive without me.
I believe papa can survive without me.
16.8.20
14.8.20
f(x)=x+12
If x=L, then
notes:
L stands for love, like, longing, laughter, and all the words started from L, relates me to L.
12(th) is the house where L's venus is.
----
Love=12
Like=10
Longing=8
Laughter=6
----
f={(12,24),(10,22),(8,20),(6,18)}
----
in musical notation G
f={(F#',F#''),(E',E"),(D',D"),(C',C")
notes:
L stands for love, like, longing, laughter, and all the words started from L, relates me to L.
12(th) is the house where L's venus is.
----
Love=12
Like=10
Longing=8
Laughter=6
----
f={(12,24),(10,22),(8,20),(6,18)}
----
in musical notation G
f={(F#',F#''),(E',E"),(D',D"),(C',C")
Speak Softly
We read each others Astro news each time lately after works. But last night the energy felt different. I feel weakened. Maybe it's the sound of your voice. But the feeling didn't frighten me this time.
You told me about your day, that your morning didn't start well because you had your mood spoiled by your brother and how you put it back at ease by having it communicated to your mother. I feel warmed. I'm glad you told me about your day.
The Astro news just made me an open book in front of you. I am reading you myself out loud. It's funny how it felt good though. I think it's because it made you laugh and smile a bit too.
Today you look happier. And your voice felt lighter too. I wonder what made you so. But seeing you like that is enough. I'm glad you're alright.
You told me about your day, that your morning didn't start well because you had your mood spoiled by your brother and how you put it back at ease by having it communicated to your mother. I feel warmed. I'm glad you told me about your day.
The Astro news just made me an open book in front of you. I am reading you myself out loud. It's funny how it felt good though. I think it's because it made you laugh and smile a bit too.
Today you look happier. And your voice felt lighter too. I wonder what made you so. But seeing you like that is enough. I'm glad you're alright.
bearable
You made hard things bearable.
Your tenderness, your calming voice.
And all the things you are.
Your tenderness, your calming voice.
And all the things you are.
13.8.20
I like you a lot.
I like you too much it scares me. But who wouldn't like you when they see you?
Your face, your kindness, your sweet voice.
Your face, your kindness, your sweet voice.
You sang a lot
Yesterday you sang a lot. You seemed happy too. You sang along when Linger by the Cranberries played. It somehow made me want to say things to you. Maybe it's the weather too or was it the pitch of your voice and it went right with the lyric? I went crazy again and I'm trying hard not to say anything foolish. I wanted so much to tell you how I like your voice when you sing, it comforts me and excites me at the same time. But instead, I told you "I don't like Linger." You asked me why I don't like it, and of course, I have no reason why. I just wish I didn't make you feel too terrible.
12.8.20
Distant
You're a bit distant. This pattern occurred sometimes. I probably not the support you need. Or am I being too much of my self?
What do you need love? I wish I knew.
What do you need love? I wish I knew.
the face
The face of whom
I'm endlessly thinking about
is yours.
Your small sad eyes.
Your dimples when you smile.
When you were laughing.
When you were lost in your thoughts.
I'm endlessly thinking about
is yours.
Your small sad eyes.
Your dimples when you smile.
When you were laughing.
When you were lost in your thoughts.
11.8.20
The origin of a rissoles and a mask.
Tuesday, August 11 2020
I've been asking you too many times for the rissoles and they're finally here.
Along with a half-black half-brown weaving pattern facial mask. And a small note with your all capitals handwriting saying "HOLA PAT, THIS AS AN ADDITION TO YOUR MASKS COLLECTION HOPE YOU LIKE IT."
I learned that they were supposed to be sent the day before. But it was postponed because there was a strand of a thread pulled off of its weaves. And you need to have it mended. You did it yourself.
And I'm thawed. All these things you did. They're all made me feel softened inside. To what did I owe the honours?
I must have done something right to deserves all these. Or could they were all possibly absolute kindness?
Today is a good day. I can't stop smiling.
I've been asking you too many times for the rissoles and they're finally here.
Along with a half-black half-brown weaving pattern facial mask. And a small note with your all capitals handwriting saying "HOLA PAT, THIS AS AN ADDITION TO YOUR MASKS COLLECTION HOPE YOU LIKE IT."
I learned that they were supposed to be sent the day before. But it was postponed because there was a strand of a thread pulled off of its weaves. And you need to have it mended. You did it yourself.
And I'm thawed. All these things you did. They're all made me feel softened inside. To what did I owe the honours?
I must have done something right to deserves all these. Or could they were all possibly absolute kindness?
Today is a good day. I can't stop smiling.
10.8.20
Of a Smile
How can anyone smile the way you smiled? How can a smile like yours exist? How can I stand that very smile? How not to be swayed by it?
Dearest
You told me photography is not your thing anymore. But I caught a bit of sadness from you while you were saying it.
I wanted to comfort you a lot.
I wanted to comfort you a lot.
9.8.20
Trust
Trusting means surrendering. And if this is a fight, I don't mind to be the one who is losing. As long as you're the one who is winning.
To know my place.
You told me that you still aren't sure what would happen when you meet that person again. That you are afraid.
Perhaps I shouldn't stay around for too long. You probably need to just figure your feelings for that person.
Possibly, I am making things harder for that person by asking too much of your time.
And conceivably, I just need to remember that as much as I can, if it solely depends on me, to always try to choose what is fair for you.
Perhaps I shouldn't stay around for too long. You probably need to just figure your feelings for that person.
Possibly, I am making things harder for that person by asking too much of your time.
And conceivably, I just need to remember that as much as I can, if it solely depends on me, to always try to choose what is fair for you.
8.8.20
lose control of my self
All the things I thought I will never be, just happen whenever I'm at your presence.
7.8.20
Meeting You #3
You wore a green blouse, grey trousers and your new Onitsuka's. Looking pretty.
I wonder since when you've been wearing liners in your beautiful eyes. I can't stop staring.
Your green blouse suits you. Can we have a picture? I'm dying to ask.
We had our lunch at Honu's. Today you treated me a drink, hot matcha with gingers and lemons. Best matcha I ever tasted.
I still can't stop staring. Your lips, eyes, voice, gaze, and all the things you are driving me crazy.
We were heading to Poins Square for the RAMs replacement. We were in my car and our hands accidentally brushed. I'm stoked. I wanted so much to just grab your hand. Yet all I did was pulling my hand tightly.
We finally had your RAMs replaced. That's all I think to myself. I won't be able to see you again until March.
While taking you home, I learned you're no longer together with your lover. My heart thumps. I was happy to hear it I feel so bad. You told me how your relationship started. That you just saw that person as a friend since the beginning. That the relationship itself ended long ago. That you are afraid of how one day after you are going to have to meet that person. That perhaps you only have the courage not to be with that person because of this situation. That you feel so bad for being the one who wants the relationship to be ended.
I'm no longer wanting to leave your side.
I always thought that I"m going to have to leave you one day. Sooner or later. That you were after all with someone.
But now I can just stay with you longer can I?
I still wish we had more time. I wanted to tell you more things to comfort you when you told me about it. But we finally reached your house.
I wonder since when you've been wearing liners in your beautiful eyes. I can't stop staring.
Your green blouse suits you. Can we have a picture? I'm dying to ask.
We had our lunch at Honu's. Today you treated me a drink, hot matcha with gingers and lemons. Best matcha I ever tasted.
I still can't stop staring. Your lips, eyes, voice, gaze, and all the things you are driving me crazy.
We were heading to Poins Square for the RAMs replacement. We were in my car and our hands accidentally brushed. I'm stoked. I wanted so much to just grab your hand. Yet all I did was pulling my hand tightly.
We finally had your RAMs replaced. That's all I think to myself. I won't be able to see you again until March.
While taking you home, I learned you're no longer together with your lover. My heart thumps. I was happy to hear it I feel so bad. You told me how your relationship started. That you just saw that person as a friend since the beginning. That the relationship itself ended long ago. That you are afraid of how one day after you are going to have to meet that person. That perhaps you only have the courage not to be with that person because of this situation. That you feel so bad for being the one who wants the relationship to be ended.
I'm no longer wanting to leave your side.
I always thought that I"m going to have to leave you one day. Sooner or later. That you were after all with someone.
But now I can just stay with you longer can I?
I still wish we had more time. I wanted to tell you more things to comfort you when you told me about it. But we finally reached your house.
6.8.20
Bright
Your Moon is in the constellation of the centaur. A creature with the half body of the horse, and a body of a human, pointing a sharp bright arrow. Your Sun and your rising are in the constellation of the bull.
And if perhaps you did not realize how they're all reflected in your very presence, I will be your witness. On how vigorous and glorious you are.
And if perhaps you did not realize how they're all reflected in your very presence, I will be your witness. On how vigorous and glorious you are.
5.8.20
Meeting you #2
I saw you yesterday. We went for another scheduled laptop's RAM replacement. The RAM hasn't arrived at the shop yet. We came for nothing. But that means I'll have the chance to see you again.
And heaven must have heard my deepest weariness.
I feel so bad for you, yet thankful
for the impediment.
I was never a fan of setbacks but this one occasion.
We had lunch afterwards at this sushi place. I think I did the right thing by taking you there. Food was great. You've smiled a lot. I'm so glad.
The lunch is a wish and gratefulness. For you.
We took you home after. I'm glad you decide that you want to go home. Because it turns out that you weren't feeling very well. I wouldn't know. I wish you could be more comfortable with me someday.
Yesterday you look a bit different. maybe you look prettier. Maybe because I was so happy to see you again. Maybe because you smiled a lot. I wished to take our picture so much. But I couldn't find the right way to ask.
Questions
There are a lot of questions I wish to ask. But I think I've heard you once told me that I better not.
4.8.20
I wanted to tell you
Each time I hear you humming, I go crazy.
Or whenever I see you smile, I lose my breath.
Or whenever I see you smile, I lose my breath.
3.8.20
Moments.
Sometimes there are moments I wished to steal from time-space and made them stilled.
The formula of the occurrence of the event I wished to stop, mostly had your variable in it.
I want to make it stop. But baby, it would mean our hearts and minds stopped too don't you think?
What's the point of keeping it still then?
The formula of the occurrence of the event I wished to stop, mostly had your variable in it.
I want to make it stop. But baby, it would mean our hearts and minds stopped too don't you think?
What's the point of keeping it still then?
Melting
There's this new kind of emotion I feel lately when I saw your face from pictures of you that I've kept. An affectionate kind of feeling that is different from the prior. This one stirred melting sensation. It made me want to smile along with this funny sensation that would cause me a teary-eyed at the same time sometimes.
Each time I saw you.
I'm completely warmed.
Each time I saw you.
I'm completely warmed.
Meeting You
Today is the day when I finally met you again after months.
I picked you up around eleven.
You wear some kind of flannel blue-green shirt with jeans and a pair of sandals.
And just like magic you're inside my car.
And we had something from Honu for brunch. We had it take away and had them in the car after we arrived at Poins Square where we plan to have replacements for our laptops.
Hours I had hoped to stop. If I had only known how to.
On our way to take you home. A text from one of the participant on the WhatsApp group for my ITB's registration process came. The person said he done the new student registration activation process. I always thought the process would be started tomorrow. I almost missed it. You saved my ass by reminding me to check the date once more. You want me to make sure the date I had thought the starting date was not exactly the end date. And you were right. Today is the last day of the activation
I'm glad you're with me.
You just never cease to amaze me.
I picked you up around eleven.
You wear some kind of flannel blue-green shirt with jeans and a pair of sandals.
And just like magic you're inside my car.
And we had something from Honu for brunch. We had it take away and had them in the car after we arrived at Poins Square where we plan to have replacements for our laptops.
Hours I had hoped to stop. If I had only known how to.
On our way to take you home. A text from one of the participant on the WhatsApp group for my ITB's registration process came. The person said he done the new student registration activation process. I always thought the process would be started tomorrow. I almost missed it. You saved my ass by reminding me to check the date once more. You want me to make sure the date I had thought the starting date was not exactly the end date. And you were right. Today is the last day of the activation
I'm glad you're with me.
You just never cease to amaze me.
2.8.20
beautiful
Do you know how your smile
leaves me breathless?
That your spoken language thrills me.
And how you walk your path fascinates me?
leaves me breathless?
That your spoken language thrills me.
And how you walk your path fascinates me?
Best Friend.
If there's anyone it's you.
The one I wish to hear from every single day.
The one I wish to talk to.
The one whom judgements I wished.
The one who holds her freedom.
The one I wish to protect.
The one I trust.
The one I wish to hear from every single day.
The one I wish to talk to.
The one whom judgements I wished.
The one who holds her freedom.
The one I wish to protect.
The one I trust.
1.8.20
Wild
You are someone I wish to protect.
But not when I hear you sing.
Your voice when you're humming is Sirene's.
It turns Odysseus into something else.
It veers me into a beast.
You put me at ease when I hear you talking.
But not when you speak softly.
Your tender voice is a heart defacer.
Like a hunter when it sees its prey,
it makes me want to have you.
I forget for a while how I wish to keep you safe.
But not when I hear you sing.
Your voice when you're humming is Sirene's.
It turns Odysseus into something else.
It veers me into a beast.
You put me at ease when I hear you talking.
But not when you speak softly.
Your tender voice is a heart defacer.
Like a hunter when it sees its prey,
it makes me want to have you.
I forget for a while how I wish to keep you safe.