I miss your voice

Your sweet smile

It's only been a day.

Drawing You

Should I just draw you?
So I can transfer you from my memory.
And forget you like the others.

Reasons to be grateful today #1

Seeing you laugh a lot.
Being accepted in ITB's Master program on Design.
Night worship prayer with Mama and Papa.
A supper with you.

Mantra

Did you aware? Your existence is a mantra.
You put me at ease. And I don't think I can ever give back to you.
This peace I feel when I'm with you.

You're so young...
But all these you've given me. It's like you're not from this realm.
I don't think you will ever realize.

Unless you did from the start.
That you are to me, truth, love, and consciousness.
And I am the dependence.
By grace.

Marvels.

Maybe someday I'll let you know
That all my  heaviness somehow
lifted up when I'm with you.
All these particulars.
All these small and big things you did that sums what I called marvels whenever I'm with you.

The way you talk.
The way you see things.
How you stare.
How you smile.

Maybe I'll tell you one day.
And maybe by chance, you won't get frightened.

I must have lost it

I must have lost my mind again today.
We were working and you said you can only continue to work until nine tonight.
I was managed to hide my inquisitiveness until I heard you sang. My heart beats faster than the usual all of a sudden, and I just can't help myself not to ask what is your plan.

Traces

I've kept all our traces in a secret place. But it is no use. I keep showing its presence each time I see you. I can't stop smiling.

Sometimes seeing you felt like home. I couldn't hide things when I'm with you. I just keep wanting to let you know everything.

attached

What if I get used to your kindness
and couldn't ever let you go?

All these dangerous things you did.

When you bite your lips.
When you sing softly.
When you speak in whispers.

They release somekind of substances inside my brain they would drive me vigorously wild.

Small wins.

To have minutes of conversation with you each day is more than pleasure.

To be allowed to give you things that you fond of they were all my gains.

To see you laughing while we were talking is already a dose of comfort to me.

How can I ask for more?

Knocked-Out.

You knocked me out. You're not even trying.
What are you made of really? You just keep figured me out.

death

I am thinking about death again today. After another argument with Mama. As long as I am alive I will be the source of her fear, anger, her unhappiness. Sometimes I wish I've never been born.

If only I could choose to not tell the truth today. What is truth anyway. It's not so much worthy. There are too many truths. Too many realities. And we all are our own senses.

Forgive me Ma... I wish I could be wiser and be more tough to hold myself in.

worth it

Your smile is a small kite of childhood that appeared in a storybook.

It lasts in memory. Its warmth.

Dumbfounded shallowness

I will rather be dumbfoundedly shallow when it's possible.
As long as nobody gets hurt.
The thing is most of the time you'll likely hurt people by being shallow.

Then that was when I've found the timid side of me that just astounded me. Words a sword. You are the sole person I wish to protect. Yet sometimes we would say things just for the sake of saying. Or worst, we were too just trying to protect ourselves.

I only have eyes for you.

Hey beautiful,
I want to know
since when
have you grown so beautiful.
I want to know
everything about you.
I want to take care of you.
I want you.
A lot.

La vita è bella

Just a bit, just a bit more
And in time,
I shall forget all these pains,
all these sorrows and bitterness,
all these expectations
and maybe
you.

prayer #1

Help me so that I
wouldn't be overly weakened
in front of her.

crazy.

I wish I could feel fine when you said you are going to meet your friend. I know I should just be happy for you. But I guess my heart is just not that big enough. I should have been prepared that you are to meet your lover once a while. But I just went crazy each time.

Bitterness

I considered myself as dead ever since that day. And the damned days followed since it started. My being slowly murdered days. I have been a ghost since long.

But this past of mine. I should just keep to my self from now on and surrender. Maybe everything is going to be alright. What is there more left that can hurt the dead?

But my bitterness, as Rachel had in Ramah. No one shall comfort me. No one.

Clingy.

I am probably the one who is clingy.
I started to believe you are the only one whom I can actually talk to about my past and find relief.

looking at your picture comforts me. I wish I'm lying next to you right now.

These bad dreams occur again.  Someone is tailing and trying to kill me. But this time I killed him right when he was trying to attack me. Right after that, a message came telling me that it's not the end yet.

An argument with mama always paralysed me. Especially the one that includes my past. She would criticise how I am still living the past. My over-cautious, my suspicions, my arrogance. And it would sting me, her words.

How can I forget Ma? My past.

beautiful

I met the most beautiful person. That person made me wish we never met. That I wouldn't budge if we meet. I wouldn't care. Because it's so hard to say goodbye now I could die.

But I know I'll fall for you once we meet again.

Maybe, let us meet often all day long. So then you might get sick of me. Until you decide that you don't want to see me anymore.

gemes bgt.

Fate

If I have the ability to remove events in my time and thus own different present events, should I remove your variable from my timeline? So that right now I wouldn't be a burden to you.

You're shades of light whilst I am the darkness.
Your paths are straight and I am on this labyrinth.

I wonder why we met.

Intentions

I saw you yesterday at your place and was hoping you'll invite me in but you didn't. So I made it a quick one, thinking I'll still have my chance to see you on the internet and we did.

You texted me things that made me regret why I didn't ask you instead whether or not I could come in. But then it was already so late. It was almost 9 PM. Your parents probably won't be pleased to have someone visiting you at their place that late. And your text probably just an act of kindness. Because I brought you something nice too.

I met you on the internet. But then too, we were just working.

You repeat asking, was I ever have the intention to have a brief chat and If I did, was the reason I didn't because I was worried that another car would pass the road and that we would cause trouble.

You said I must have been because I was already at your place and you emphasized my effort to get there. And I said, "I should have come in then?", "We could have continued our work at your place, then?" I add. And you told me we could. "Why couldn't we," you said, "when other person did too."

I wonder why too. All I ever want right now is to be around you.

But the truth I didn't think I deserve to spend my time the way I want with you. Just because I give you things, doesn't mean I can burden your mind with all this wanting.

You belong to someone else. I should never take that person's place. Do you know how special you are? I keep wanting you even though I know I shouldn't.

But I hope you will understand someday all my only intentions. All I ever want is to fill your spaces inside with an understanding. I want to build you a space of comfort, place we could find knowledge and wisdom. One you could call home. That space won't be needing time to exist. It is built to protect you. You can lean on that space whenever.

Remembering

We talked about a lot of things related to our past. You let me know your childhood traumatic events. Things I've been wanting to ask since long.

We also talked about how we met. Such fun facts to know that our memory of how we first met are different. You weren't sure how we met. But I remember things, freakishly, when I did. Selectively.

That night when we first got introduced to each other. You thought it was in another place.  I know it's not possible because I remember the person who introduced us told me right in front of us the others been introduced previously. I also remember you came with your lover.

You said you saw me before, at your workplace. You said you saw me at your house too and I just smiled at you? Or was it the other way around?. I couldn't remember the latter.

I'm just happy you remember me.

conversing.

Talking to you is heaven on earth. How great it would be if we can just spend our time talking without having to work.

To know where your sorrows came from is more than any understanding I need to search.

To let you know where mine came from feels like a necessity.

Happiness

Because whenever I'm with you I forgot my pain. My persisting past. But dear, being used to have you near, I swear, I don't think I can handle the pain anymore now. Not without you. You seem to be the cause of the removed pain. I'm learning now how to have the confidence to love my self. To learn to be happy.

The fact that I need you so much bothers me.  I hate to burden you.

So if happiness meant forgetfulness, let me learn the art of it.

the most beautiful.

Your dimples when you laugh
Your gazes, your eyes
Your hair unbrushed falls naturally
Your soft sweet voice
Your sharp nose
Your lips
Your kindness.