The very thought of you

I was somewhat a stranger to myself until you.

Deras

Seandainya waktu di bentang ini cukup
untuk  mengungkap satu per satu
segala pikir dan rasa
yang susah payah kuredam.

Kadang mereka terlepas dari daya.
Jatuh berupa tetes-tetes laku yang tak terkendali liar. Namun kau seperti berani menampungnya. Entah untuk apa.

Mungkin sejak awal
aku takluk pada keberanian itu.
Ingin sekali berlama-lama
mengamati alirmu deras.
Yang kadang terlihat seperti tenang, kadang menghempas.

An Essay of a Memory: Pain

The pain of remembering 

Taught me to forget.

With the rain outside pouring

Will it wash away unnecessary thought?

The experience of pain has been a long discourse for centuries. Yet it still not a common understanding.

I was taught to forget since the early years. Forgetting is the only thing that has kept me going. Forgiving is another story.

And yet for some memories, I had wished to forget the most, they freakishly appear photographically. I on the other hand apparently, remember things clearly as if I was treading on crystalline ice. Looking at clear moving water underneath. I knew I could break the thin ice and crash into the cold water.

But as Lacan said, the search for pain then is the search for pleasure. For we mortals can only bear  a certain amount of pleasure, beyond its limit, the pleasure becomes pain. Bleeding symbolized pain. Death is the very end of the pain. Hence to still be able to feel the pain suggests that the subject is a living entity. When the mere being, found out the way to know it is alive is only by seeing itself bleeding,  It will need to destruct itself. 

The pain is actually the yearning stage. The exalted feeling of wanting something impossible in reality

To take into account regarding the others, the unattainable lost object, the object of desire, the lack.  

Finally, the paradox of pain. The pleasure, for once it was reached, it is no longer a joy. The lack, for once the object of desire is attained, it is then, no longer wanted.

Any forms of submission toward the hunter would mean the end of the chase. The end of pleasure. As I study my years of encountering an object of desires, the wanting has been vigorous. But it would then subsides as any attachment quality from the object shown. 

The conclusions in this sense are as soon as the yearning end, there will be no pain left. Thus the need to pursue any possible chance to experience pain from another object is inevitable. In my case, I possibly trying to make the pain stills by wanting something badly. 

As for some other pain related to my past, that I can't let go yet, the compulsion to experience them again and again possibly part of the instinct to go beyond pleasure. Death then possibly the drive of life itself. As final destination.

Geylang, Katong, Bras Basah, and Serangoon.

Those roads should lead me back to you.

And all those steps we took.

Your wondering eyes, your tired smile.

And the guilt in me, each time your kindness delivered.

I will take the very long passage for as much as it should.
Quietly, stubbornly.

So the sparks can be forgotten.