Limbic System

There must have been a certain chemical that reacts in my brain whenever I see you. This biochemical heals. It didn't let me feel any pain.

But that's not the only event happened inside me. I can somehow feel you. Empathize comes twice to my usual response, since the first time we met. It scares me. Because sometimes there are not much I can do. I am not at my place to do anything for you. There should be reasons I need to find to even do the tiniest thing for you. And to even ask you a question. Any chance to do anything for you for me is a windfall.

This also could be one of the reasons on how I see you. You are the pink quartz, a bright diamond. You are a river, so calm but sometimes can be too deep and ruthless. You are a Tsunami. You swept me like I am nothing. You are a godsend. I am to be grateful each time, for every breath you take, the movement you made and your thoughts.

I could write a million things on you. The nerve tissues inside my brain record all things about you, sharply. Nothing I would not remember about you.

You are perpetual.

Penny for your thought?

What is it that has worried you?
Can I comfort you?
Can I put it at ease?
I'll do anything.

Because you, my bright diamond, you've given me so much, more than you know.

Debut

I was in mild fever yesterday with a sore throat. I've taken six tablets of 500mg vitamin c since morning, the same day and by the end of the day, I have consumed a total amount of 3000mg of it.

Around 08:00 PM I've decided to have my last intake of vitamin c to calm my fever down. It usually works 30 minutes after. I've turned for a  quick nap right after.

We've planned to work around 08:00 PM. I was so ready to cancel it, because of the fever. It was 8:16  PM when I read your texts and woke up in a breeze.

We've started to work around 8;30 PM the vitamin should have kicked in by then but it hasn't. So I asked your permission to make myself a cup of coffee. It was probably around 09:00 PM, A robusta arabica blend espresso,  it should contain around 100mg of caffeine, a 45mg plenty more doses compares to caffeine contained in Panadol Extra. Should be enough to settle the pain on my throat.

09:30 PM we've read each other's natal's chart. I'm starting to feel lighter. And like that, around 10:00 PM the fever has gone. No more sore throat. No pain left.

And as If I never had a fever the first place. We've worked for hours. I made you tired with all my unnecessary questions.

It was 03:16 AM, and you said, "This is our debut" and I asked "What  debut?" You answered, "Working until this early? This late?" I was feeling a bit shy, and thought why does it matter? But awkwardly  instead, with another robust, ineloquent phrases, "But we've done this?" I answered.

Albeit,  it has a lot of possibilities for answers from both my last answer and my unsaid question. You could also be being sarcastic? Did you? Did I make you work too much?

But understand this, I could not thank you enough.  I could not imagine my life, with you not in it right now. I can't help my self not seeing you.  You bright little diamond. You heal.

I hope your anxiety ceases. I hope you sleep better.

Old Tricks

Sometimes to distract yourself with one of the old tricks works. Most of the time, not. I've been watching some of terrible old kung fu movies to childhood anime Saint Seiya. And it almost works, until the two characters on the scene met and they're just exactly what I need to get me start from where I left off. Thinking of you.

Thank you, Netflix.

Yesterday's postponed notes-continued

The fact that I need you still left me in vast wonder. How can someone so young and look so innocent has the capacity to change one person's soul?

A postponed note on yesterday

I was so worried but then you managed to take care of yourself and went for a ten minutes powernap. How peculiar. How cute...

How can anyone be so strong and yet so tender all at once?

How can I just keep writing all these things about you? Apparently observing you has become a delightful thing to do. You are my cup of tea. Sometimes a cup of coffee.

Interesting how I trembled when you were about to ask about that specific event that has caused me a big deal of trauma. Until now I can't even write them down here. Interesting because somehow I feel like I need you to. I wanted you to ask, and not to ask, at the same time.

How would it affect our relationship after? Would you run? Will you see me oppositely after?
Opening up to you wouldn't it be careless? Or worst, a vanity? How can I put you in the very uncomfortable and awkward position?
I really don't wanna lose you. I need you too much.

Whenever I'm with You

There are too many words left unsaid.
Too many questions left untold.

Out of concern or maybe simply fear

the truth

Sometimes I would find myself on the edge of losing my control when talking to you.
All the words my heart wants to say to you.
Sometimes I just have to stop seeing you, otherwise, all these unbearable feelings would just swim out into words like,

I don't want you to leave.
I miss your smell.

Funny how you scared and made me at ease at the same time.

And you should never know. You should never. Because your heart belongs to another. And I shall not want what belongs to another person. That's just wrong. Karmically wrong.

Condescending.

Making one's self looks bigger by belittling others, is one's own fall.

happy birthday Din

You would probably think I've thanked you too many times that it loses its meaning, by now?

But still thank you for too many things. 💛

    

Is it?

Co-star says,
"It's ok to need each other."

...gniteem tsal ruo retfa deppots aimhtyhrra ym woh ynnuF

I hope you're feeling better. Be strong Ma. I love you so much.

In this secret place of mine

I pray for you to be well and for forgiveness.
My greediness is all to be settled. My days are numbered.

I  will once again listen, that sweet sound of your hymns. See the silhouette of your sweet smile. And feel the warmth of your skin.

Thanking the Universe.

What's more, left to ask?
When you have all things fall into place
In spite of all the damages, you've made.

vice-a-versa

Why is there nothing unattractive in you?
What am I going to do with you and all these feelings?

We are on the reverse side of each other.
Yet it's so easy to be in symmetry with you.

Can't I just stop liking you? You are obviously  with someone else. Where did I put my head?

Tsunami.

You're killing me with kindness.
And just when I think of leaving, you couldn't be more pretty.

Pretty, pretty please, with a cherry on top. Now you've made me beg instead. Don't leave...

Undo greed.

These crazy feelings over you, should I just stop?
The uncertainty gets the worst of me.
And the fact that you are with someone else belittled me. To interfere with whatever you have with someone. To even ask for your time.

Just get over all these affections towards you. Get on with reality. And just be as what we really are. That we are no one. Get a grip of myself. Make things right again. And be just fair.

Secret.

All these wanting of you
Have they're own pits
Each of them is safely hidden.

But still, I want to be near you.
Is it alright to still see you?
Or to just hear your thoughts?
But isn't it vanity?
Isn't it make use of power?

I obviously was not prepared for you.
You have the power to change the shape of a person's soul.
And sometimes there are just too much power,
to be too careless.

Tremendously, absolutely, crazy over...

"Let us begin by clearing up the old confusion between the man who loves learning and the man who loves reading, and point out the there is no connexion whatever between the two.

A learned man is a sedentary; concentrated solitary enthusiast, who searches through books to discover some particular grain of truth upon which he has set his heart. If the passion for reading conquers him, his gains dwindle and vanish between his fingers.

A reader, on the other hand, must check the desire for learning at the outset; if knowledge sticks to him well and good, but to go in pursuit of it, to read on a system, to become a specialist or an authority, is very apt to kill what it suits us to consider the more humane passion for pure and disinterested reading."

--Virginia Woolf, "On Fiction"

So which one are you? The avid reader or the steadfast, tremendous learner? How can we continue to chose what we love, without being overruled by it. Or is it surrendering to the process is the only answer? Do we really need to be always in control?

How can one be so obsessed over anything? Freud has acted as the curtain lifters on these neurosis, hysteria, mental state. (...)

Own your Self

To see you is to be grateful.
and our deep conversation is a warm blanket.

Your findings are what I treasure.
And your thoughts,
they are always what I favour most.

Breath.

Perhaps we need a bit of a break.
Perhaps I made you too tired.
Perhaps one day, I can just see you and talk to you
as a very good friend.
As just person to person.
Perhaps I just really, really, really miss you.

Like Icarus

I have been expecting things
I should not have.

Was it the sun betrayed Icarus
Or was it himself? His vanity.

What is it about the sun, Icarus?
Is it its rays? Or is it its warms?
It lurks in while you were on your isolation?

You should have known better.
It burns. Yet you have chosen to be burnt.

You should have known better.
The sun never belongs to you.